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"Dreary winter so far. I was thinking we should get away. Take a trip."

"Where you want to go?"

"New place I keep reading about. Saturn."

"I saw pictures. Supposed to be nice."

"A lot of frequent flier miles. Like seven-hundred million."

"People go to Saturn?"

"Yeah. Well, no. Titan. Moon. That's where I was reading about. Oceans, beaches. Maybe some wildlife."

"We should do it. It'll be nice."

"We'll sit on the beach, we'll look at the sky: it'll be a full Saturn out."

"I love you."

"Love you too."

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Imagine his surprise when he saw the obituary, force itself as it were into his daily routine, in the middle of his second cup of coffee ("Light cream, two spoons of sugar") and between bites of cinnamon roll ("No nuts, please, they get caught in my digestion"). He had just padded down to the bottom of the driveway without his slippers ("Damn dog") trying to ignore the cold rain ("and worms") that got between his toes and the bottom two inches of his unhemmed pants ("Gotta do that").

The paper spread open on the mahogany table leaving nut-sized drops of water that might or might not ruin the wood after time. As always, he skipped straight to the end, to the announcements, to the life and death page ("The only real news"), which was the main reason ("the only reason") he subscribed to the rag.

"So. There it is. This is what it's like to be dead."

He wondered if it was no longer appropriate to finish his coffee ("but since no one's looking...").

In many ways he felt cheated—not at being dead ("It seems natural enough"), but rather at the system failure, that he hadn't been notified, that he'd had to read about it in the paper like everyone else, and ("My God!") that meant some people in this meddling town knew before he did ("Nosy").

Rather than let himself get bitter about it ("bad for my blood pressure"), he poured himself a third cup of coffee.

"Well, better go tell the kids", already sleeping through some of their favorite cartoons because the clouds and the rain kept the sun off their sleeping eyes.

(" At least they spelled my name right.")

 

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It was another routine day in Metropolis for Superman, the day he saved the single-engine jet from crashing into the city. The plane had lost power to its stabilizer and gone into a flat spin from which it surely never would have recovered, had Superman not flown in to save the day: the Man of Steel managed to grab the plane by its engine, arrest its spinning, and guide it to a safe landing in a nearby baseball field. The four passengers of the plane were grateful and in tears, while the Little Leaguers stopped their game to cheer.

Unfortunately, the force required to catch the plane in mid-air was also enough to dislodge the jet turbine, which broke loose from the body of the plane, and plummeted out of the sky and into an apartment building below. It tore through the building and killed two dozen people.

Superman, exceptional in so many ways, had never been the most thoughtful hero: decision-making while flying faster than a speeding bullet does not lend itself to introspection. Good and evil had always been for him, if simplistic, at least clear. When he received the news of the two dozen deaths—deaths which had been directly caused by his own well-intended efforts—he was devastated, and confused like he had never been before. For the first time in his life, Superman questioned his own ability to discern right from wrong—so he did what any reasonable thinking person would do in such a situation: he stopped rescuing people, and retreated to his Fortress of Solitude, there to wait and contemplate, until which time his path of action would become infallibly clear—which is to say, never.

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When Ulysses returned to Ithaca, it wasn't what he'd remembered. The streets were dirtier and narrower, the people furtive, unhealthy and short. Climbing the hill back to his palace, the road was worse, too—pocked, uneven, steeper, it seemed; and the palace itself had fallen into ruin: the ceiling was collapsed in spots, and the front door was rotting off its hinges.

"Penelope?," he called out. "Penny, are you there? It's me, Ulysses. I'm home." His voice echoed off the crumbling walls, and scattered a herd of stray cats that went into hiding under a pumpkin plant that had grown to take over what used to be their living room.

He sat down on what was left of his old throne: it was covered in moss and decayed leaves. "This is where we lived," he mused. "This is where we loved," though he'd been gone ten years without a word to her, without so much as a postcard. She'd left and left no forwarding address.

"What now?," he wondered. The master strategist of the Achaeans had failed to contemplate this—a life without Penelope.

"What now?," he asked again, and he sat back to look at the stars through the holes in the ceiling, arranging them into shapes and then giving the shapes (for the first time) names. He named them for his friends. When he'd filled the sky with "Orion" and "Perseus," with "Andromeda" and "Cassiopeia," he still hadn't found a set of stars to call "Penelope." He loved her dearly—he was sure he did—but he couldn't quite recall her shape; and he didn't want to get it wrong.

 

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His apartment was too large and his schedule too busy for him to have time to dust, or clean toilets, or scrub floors, so he got a referral from a co-worker, and hired a cleaning lady. "Look at all these nice things you have!" she exclaimed upon her arrival, and promptly threw them in the trash. "There. Everything is cleaner now," she said, and indeed it was.

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They said it was the warmer weather, and the rains, which brought the snakes to our city.

The first time we saw one, it was so out of place, we didn't recognize it. By the time we understood what we were seeing, it had already slithered away into the shadow, into the sewer, and we didn't believe our eyes.

The second time we saw a snake, we assumed there'd been a mistake: an escaped pet, an accident at the zoo.

By the third time, we were seeing them twine around each other like slippery knots. "Did you see that?," we'd ask strangers on the street. We knew something must be wrong.

We started to hear stories: snakes in the basement; in the sofa; in the shoes. They startled us in our cupboards and in our glove compartments and in our bathtubs.

We didn't know what to do.

We didn't know who to call.

Nothing had prepared us for the snakes.

Soon we were seeing them every day. They lost their fear. They held their ground and flicked their tongues.

Sometimes a child would be bitten, and a vengeful parent would find a golf club or a garden spade and smash and slice any snake she could find.

Still they came.

We found them in our toilets, crawling out of our drains. We found them resting on the bars at our favorite restaurants, on the floors of our favorite movie theatres. We found them in our babies' cribs, in our sleeping wife's hair.

One evening, after a thunderstorm, they welled up as if out of the ground. They oozed up from the subway stations and into the streets. Cars skidded and lost control. Now, the brave and enterprising among us tried to fight back, tried to make an industry of snake-killing, and they filled the city with snake blood and the writhing bodies of dead snakes amidst the live ones.

Still they came.

Before long, we had no choice but to leave the city behind, to leave it for the snakes, which filled it like a lake, poured in from every crack, flowed in and out of everything, breeding and sometimes devouring each other, filling up the ruins we'd left behind.

 

 

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I lost focus so I went to a fortune teller. I picked the first one within walking distance who took credit cards. She asked me to hold out my hands, and as soon as she touched me, I got a hard-on. Within ten minutes we were fucking on the sofa.

"You've got a really strong love line," she said.

I moved in that night. That was three years ago.

*    *    *

(Did she see it coming? I always wondered, and I never knew.)

*    *    *

Her name was Stella Luna, like the children's book. That's what it said on the sign in her parlor. Her real name was Stella DeAngelis, but she changed it. "I thought Luna sounded more mystical," she explained.

"More mystical than, 'From angels'?"

I asked if she came from a long line of psychics, and she laughed. "My daddy was a plumber." But she also had an uncle who made a good living betting on horses, and legend has it that her grandmother predicted the assassination of JFK, in vivid detail, including the phrase "grassy knoll." She claimed she saw the face of the third gunman, and could have picked him out of a police line-up. "But who knows?"

*    *    *

"You're going to struggle a while," Stella told me, as we laid naked on her sofa, she finally reading my palm. "Because you're a seeker."

"What do I seek?"

She ran her finger along my palm but didn't answer.

"What do I seek?"

"That which you don't have," she said finally, and got up to pull on her clothes.

"That's obvious. That's everyone. That's tautological."

"I don't know what that word means."

*    *    *

She knew the future but she didn't know that certain truths follow from their atomic propositions.

*    *    *

"You're going to go home and pack a bag of things and move in with me," she said.

"Is that a prediction? Or just something you want?"

She smiled and kissed me. "It's your destiny."

*    *    *

I went home, packed a bag, and moved in with her, which was a shitty thing to do, because I'd lived with a woman at the time, a woman who told me often that she loved me.

"I'm moving out."

"What? Why?"

"It's my destiny."

I paid an extra month's rent and let her keep my share of the deposit, and since she was justified in saying all of those bad things about me, I never tried to stop her. I still think about her sometimes.

*    *    *

Stella and I took a trip to Vermont, after I'd been living with her for a few months. We rented a car and took turns driving up the coast through the rain. Halfway through Connecticut, she said, "Pull over. I want to fuck you."

I stopped the car, and she unbuckled my pants and climbed on top of me, somehow squeezing her lithe body into the space between me and the steering wheel.

"That was great," I said, and she laughed and wiped the fog of our breath off the windows.

Up ahead, a tractor trailer had jack-knifed and killed twenty-two people—the largest single auto accident in Connecticut history.

"Did you know?," I asked her.

"I just wanted to fuck," she answered.

*    *    *

"Do you believe in predestiny? Are our futures written?"

"Of course." She looked at me like I'd questioned the roundness of the Earth, or gravity. She didn't understand why this idea put me into a three-day sulk and got me wondering about suicide. "Do you ever think of killing yourself?," I asked her.

"That's stupid."

*    *    *

"What do they say?"

She looked at me impatiently.

"Nothing about sinking ships, right? Nothing about death at sea? I couldn't bear knowing I was going to drown."

"When I read your palm," she explained, "I am reading your palm."

"That's tautological."

"But when I read the cards, I am reading the cards. And the cards are reading you. Do you understand?"

"No. I mean of course, yes, but, no, not at all. Why does a random shuffle of cards offer meaning about my life?"

"Right? Why does a random shuffle of events, or a random shuffle of jobs, or a random shuffle of girlfriends, offer meaning about your life? Exactly."

"So what do the cards say?"

She looked at them quietly for a while. She didn't like telling my fortune. Or maybe she just didn't like my fortune.

"You're going to struggle a while," she finally said.

"That's vague."

"The cards are kind of hard to read tonight. I'll look at them again tomorrow."

"I want my money back," I told her.

"Then you should have paid me." She kissed me sweetly on the cheek. "Let's go to bed."

*    *    *

She held a bag in her hand and she told me she was leaving. She gave me an extra month's rent, and said I should keep her share of the deposit.

"What? Why?," I asked. But she didn't answer.

"I've loved you," she said. "I'll always love you."

"Did you see this coming?," I asked.

"Did you see this coming?," I asked. "Because I didn't see this coming."

But I was shouting at the door. She was already gone.

*    *    *

We were lying on the sofa, and she was kissing my hand. "What am I seeking?," I asked her. We were both so relaxed, the way lovers are. "I don't know," she answered. "What are you seeking?"

"I don't know," I told her. "I don't know."

 

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We were on the train and we were going toward important places, and that is what allowed us to disappear into ourselves, and pass by station stop after station stop, staring into books and newspapers and windows and each other, as if we were nowhere, as if we were people without souls.

The man shuffled onto the train announced by his own stink, a sticky vinegar that attached itself to the inside of the nose. He shuffled his feet and he shuffled his cardboard cup, mostly empty but with a few coins, like a broken toy tambourine.

He spoke too quietly to draw us from our reverie. It was the stink, rather, that drew us, and pushed most of us to inch away from him without looking, nor hearing his mumbled words: "I am Shiva," he said, "Neelkantha of the blue throat, eye of fire, skin of tiger, greatest among gods, destroyer of worlds." He chanted this quietly and made his way among us, while we withdrew from him without looking up.

Not listening to him or even hearing him, we never imagined that his words were true, that he was indeed the great deity incarnate, nor that our failure to love him or care for him was a final act of disastrous consequence: that we had failed so exhaustively, failed in our very humanity, and, undeserving of it, would live to see it stripped from us, while we, unaware, listened to our headphones, read our magazines, and recoiled from the stink of the misfortune we'd helped to create.

 

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Monday, 3pm

It started with the sound of nothing, which was unusual even at that time of the morning. The power was out in the kitchen, and when I peered out the window, there was no traffic, no one on the sidewalk, no construction sound, no plane passing overheard, no hum of electricity, nothing.

There was no one. Sometime overnight, everyone had disappeared. Everyone except me.

I assumed, then, I didn't have to go to work; so I finally finished a book I'd been reading for too long. I made myself a sandwich, and then, not really knowing what to do, I went back to bed, around 3pm. I really needed to catch up on sleep.

Monday, 11:30pm

I woke suddenly, well-rested but draped in so much darkness: dark as far as the eye could see. Haha. People are still missing, or seem to be. Maybe it's an elaborate hide-and-seek.

It's so quiet that it hurts my ears. That is, in the quiet, I hear a high-pitched whine. I've been told that this is the onset of hearing loss: the pitches I hear are the pitches that I no longer can hear, if that makes any sense. I wonder, then, is deafness actually loud, a cacophony of all pitches?

I'm wide awake; it's midnight; I'm the last man on earth. It's flattering, really. And frustrating—so many things left unfinished: the report I was writing on at work, which Alex told me was quite good. (Alex is my immediate supervisor.) (Or maybe I should say was.)

Also, I had Mets tickets for next week. They were playing the Orioles.

It's harder than I expect to pass the time, in the dark; but it gives me unexpected joy—it gives the familiarity of my apartment refreshing newness. I also stub my toe, badly, on the corner of the sofa.

I walk through my neighborhood. Everything seems to be in its right place: cars are parked, trash cans lined neatly against the walls. The black outline of a nearby skyscraper blots out a patch of stars. In the dark, there are more stars than I've ever seen in the city, but I don't remember the names of any of the constellations.

Tuesday, 5:45am

I start jogging. I don't usually jog. It's funny how we behave differently when there's no one around to see: there's no one who knows I don't jog, so I can be a jogger if I want to. Central Park is covered in a light mist, and I twitch with a vague foreboding: "Don't go into the park alone!" But when you're truly alone, no one is a danger.

Tuesday, 11:21am

I keep glancing at my cellphone to see if there are any new messages, but of course there aren't, because I'm the last man on Earth. Anyway, it's not like very many people called me before.

Tuesday, 12:48pm

I'm standing in the middle of the Brooklyn Bridge, underneath the twine of steel cabling. The wide sidewalk on the bridge is empty. The lanes of traffic on either side are empty. The water below me is calm, but everything is so quiet that I can hear it roaring by.

Tuesday, 4:55pm

I get a guilty pleasure out of reading Cosmopolitan magazine. It's embarrassing: I'm a guy and it's not for guys, but I read it whenever I go to the doctor or the dentist. I like knowing what women are supposed to be thinking about me.

Every issue of Cosmopolitan is almost exactly the same as the last issue: it has articles on sex positions and how to drive him wild in bed. Cosmopolitan has more sex in it thanPlayboy. I'm surprised they manage to come out with new issues each month, since eventually they must run out of sex positions. But I guess people forget, so they don't mind reading the same things twice.

It occurs to me that the Cosmopolitan I read today in the park outside City Hall is the last Cosmopolitan that will ever be printed. I wonder, does that mean the hair style they describe will be in fashion forever?

 

Wednesday, 8:15am

I decide to go door to door in my apartment building to see if anyone is still around. I've lived in this building for three years and I've never knocked on anyone's door till today.

I like the people who live here. (Lived.) (Liked.) (Insofar as one can like people to whom we don't speak.) People in this building are quiet, and clean, and polite. (Were.) Sometimes they'd hold the door for me when my hands were full with groceries, and sometimes I'd do the same for them—so we were neighborly, I guess is the word.

I bring a box of Girl Scout Cookies, so that if someone does open their door, I can ask them if they want one.

You'd be amazed by the variety of doors in my apartment building. You'd think they'd be all the same, bought in bulk, at a discount rate, but in fact nearly every one is a little different. I imagine they've been replaced, one by one, over a long period of time. Some doors seem incredibly heavy. One, on the third floor, is light like the closet door in a child's bedroom. Knocking on that door is like knocking on paper.

No one is answering any of the doors. It was a forgone conclusion, but I got caught up listening to the sounds that my knocks made without ever really thinking about why I was knocking, till the paper-thin door knocked me out of my reverie.

I climb out on my fire escape and eat some Girl Scout cookies. I pour some milk to go with the cookies, but my milk had started to sour, and I throw it out after a mouthful. That was the last milk I will ever have. I might never wash that taste out of my mouth.

Thursday

Though there is no one else left in the world and therefore the status of my obligations is vague to say the least, still, I am a man of my word: I spent my morning paying bills for my cellphone and cable. I won't do it again next month, though, if this continues, since neither of these services has been working for several days.

I also decide to finish the report I started at work, the one which Alex liked so much. I bike to the office. Without traffic, without stoplights, without car doors, without pedestrians in crosswalks, biking is the purest joy: it's really like flying.

I'm quite productive, working alone. The phone doesn't ring once. When I've finished assembling my PowerPoint deck, I do a practice run of my presentation in the conference room. It goes well, I think.

On the way home, I head west and watch the sunset over the Hudson. I wonder why I didn't do this more often, before. Then I bike home, the strobe light on the back of my bike seat flickering to protect me from non-existent traffic.

Friday, Early Morning

My watch stopped and I'm quickly losing my sense of time, but I wake naturally just after dawn. Today is the day of my work presentation. I own three suits and I have trouble deciding which one to wear, but finally I pick the newest one, the one with pinstripes. I never expected I would be the sort of person to own three suits, the sort of person to have enough suits that it's hard to decide which one to wear to work. I'm not sure when I became that sort of person, but the transformation wasn't awful, like I might have imagined. If anything, the third suit was liberating. The first two suits were obligatory, but this third suit seemed somewhat for fun.

I'm proud of my PowerPoint deck: it's got a kind of structural elegance, and it deserves to be shown.

But as I'm tying my tie, I notice there's a blemish on my face, a black spot on my cheekbone, like a beauty mark. I've never seen it before. It is sudden and alarming. I can feel my heart quicken, and I wonder, should I call a dermatologist or an oncologist?, before I realize that phones are dead and there are no doctors. I am alone with my blemish.

Looking closer in the mirror, I see that the blemish is nothing: it's not a pimple or a lesion. It's a tiny spot of pure nothing, a little black hole on my cheek. I poke at it with tweezers and the tip disappears. It is unsettling, and I decide not to go to the office today.

Friday, Late Morning

I've returned to the paper-thin door on the third floor and I'm smashing it down with my tennis racquet. "Hello?," I call out, after destroying the door. "Anyone home?"

The apartment is nicely furnished, and very clean, and comfortable, and has a very fresh smell. There is a vase of cut flowers on the kitchen table, and I refresh the water in the vase, though the flowers are nearly all dead.

"Hello?," I call out again.

The view out the window is good. I wonder what she pays in rent?

Then I notice—and I can't believe I didn't hear it earlier: there is water running. The shower is running in the bathroom.

"Is anyone there?," I ask again. "It's me, from upstairs."

I turn the knob of the bathroom door, and push the door open with my tennis racquet. Steam pours out and fogs my glasses; I can't see a thing. "Hello?"

I pull back the shower curtain. There is no one, just hot water pouring down into the drain.

The showerhead is very nice—one of the overhead ones that pours the water out like rain.

On my way out, I borrow a stack of DVDs from a bookshelf, and bring them back to my apartment.

Sunday night

There is a scene in the movie Amélie where the main character (a French girl named Amélie) has the television on in her apartment with the sound turned down. She looks over at it and notices a news clip: a horse has escaped its corral so it can run, side by side, with a team of bicyclists. Amélie watches in wonder and decides to record it on her VCR. Later in the movie, she gives the videotape to another character, who also watches the scene with silent wonder. I doubt either one of them could explain why it was wonderful, but it was, and they knew it, and it made them happy.

I felt the same way about the movie Amélie. I couldn't explain why, but when I saw it, it made me feel happy to be alive.

Monday morning

I decide perhaps I'll learn French. I practice saying, Sans toi, les émotions d'aujourd'hui ne seraient que la peau morte des émotions d'autrefois: "Without you, today's emotions would be the scurf of yesterday's." I don't really know what it means, even in English.

Evening

Something strange happening with time. I don't mean in the sense that "Time flies when you're having fun," or in the sense that, in absence of outside obligations, we lose track of days, like children in the summertime. Whatever is happening, it is alarming in a way that it never was when I was a child in the summer.

I blink my eyes and a week goes by. Anyway, I think it's a week. It might be longer or shorter. There's no way to know.

It happens in the midst of a day, too: sometimes I'll sit at my kitchen table in the morning, flipping through a magazine I've already read, and then, twenty minutes, the sun will begin to set.

But then twilight lasts for days.

So something's not right, but there's no way to measure, and no one with whom to compare.

When I look in the mirror, I think I look much older than I remember. But then as soon as I concede this is the case, I seem much younger.

I'm losing track of things.

And I'm not sure when I stopped eating.

Thursday or maybe Sunday

Of course I wasn't watching the DVD of Amélie. Electricity had been out for days, weeks, who knows how long? Instead, I stood the DVD box on top of my television, and I watched the box. I stared at Amélie for hours, days, who knows how long? And she stared back.

"Hello," I said.

"Bonjour," she replied. And proceeded to tell me, in detail, in French, everything that had happened in her movie, to the best of her memory. I don't know French, so she would stop periodically to recap in English.

"Thank you," I said.

"De rien," she replied. "It's nothing."

It was, without a doubt, the best movie I've ever heard.

Some Time Later

I find that the people I used to know are beginning to blur in my mind. I remember a funny story, something I did once with a guy named Adam. I laughed out loud when I remembered this story. Fun times. Then I realized, "Oh. That wasn't Adam." And I couldn't remember who it was.

Since no one has any further use for street signs, I've begun to paint them over with the names of the people I knew. I walk around during the day with a can of green paint in one hand and a can of white paint in the other, and I gradually re-map the city: Jonathan Street. Caroline Boulevard. Adam Lane. Before I forget.

I rename Broadway after my mother, whatever her name was.

Middle of the Night, I Think

I had a nightmare that everything that's happened recently was in fact only a dream. In the nightmare, I woke up, and the world was still full of people, same as it ever was. My alarm clock chimed and beckoned me to another workday, and I was filled with great emptiness.

Then I woke from the dream, and the night was still, and the city was empty, and everything was as it had been.

I went to the bathroom for a glass of water, and noticed the black hole on my cheek had grown, now big enough to fit a finger.

Later

"What do you want?," Amélie asks. "What do you want to do? Ce qui vous veulent faire?"

"I want to write a manifesto."

"Bah!" She wrinkles her nose. "Your life is a manifesto."

My life is a manifesto. "Ma vie est un manifeste!"

Daytime and Tomorrow

I have more paint now. I roam the city, and one by one, I'm painting over all of its billboards.

Left to our own devices, maybe we all become artists.

I am painting enormous murals, scenes I remember from my life. As I paint, I remember everything, everything I ever did, everyone I ever knew. I remember long forgotten years and feelings of communion; holding hands at the junior high dance; the encouragements of my second grade teacher; the mobile of ceramic swans hanging over my crib. I remember sweeping forests sprawling far as the eye could see, rolling oceans, endless plains. I remember mustard gas and sinking ships, bullets and bayonets and the sticky warmth of my own blood; I remember rounding Cape Horn, scaling Everest, building the Pyramids brick by brick, walking light-footed on the Moon. I remember the center of the galaxy, the center of the universe, the sound of vacuum. I remember the Big Bang, like a gasp of breath, like a baby's laugh, like the anticipation of an orgasm, like the spasm of fear that comes alongside true love, the true fear of loss; and I remember, before that, the bottomless silence—like the silence I hear now.

It is all right.

 

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I am an ant, but I forget sometimes, and I think that I'm a spider. A spinner. A schemer. An eater of ants.

Each day I walk with the others. I yoke myself with a stone or with a gob of sugar, and march lock-step along the line. I follow those in front of me, till somewhere, someone takes my gob of sugar or my stone, and sends me on my way. And for that, I am happy, or I think I am.

But at night, I dream I am a spider. I spin elaborate plans, perfectly symmetrical and beautifully engineered. I perch at the center of my web, ready to seize the moment when the mindless drones, the worker ants, myself, march like a slow red tide into my web. I am patient and a planner. I shall thrive.

Another day of sugar and stones, then exhaustion, sleep, and more dreams. Now I'm a pitiless bird, watching from a mile high the march of the thin red ants, the methodical spinning of the spider; I am circling passionless and free, and carried higher and higher by the gusts of wind and the tilt of my wing.

Another day, burrowing tunnel to tunnel, onward and upward, outward and downward, outward and upward. Up is down and down is up. Slow march under hard sunshine, endless expanse, and so much weight carried, so much weight. My brethren fall, and I crawl over them, as others some day will crawl over me. "Where are we going?" and "Why?": we have no use for questions.

Tonight I dream I'm a blue-eyed boy, squealing and laughing in the field; a boy with messy hair and sometimes bloody in the knees; a boy who, for ignorant sport, hurtles rocks at the birds, sets afire to the spider web to watch the wisp and hear the crackle; who wipes clean the anthill with a curious swipe of the foot, and erases, on a whim, whole fields of serfs, whole armies of soldiers; demolishes roads and kingdoms, ends empire, and ends empire's dreams, dreams I never understood or shared or even glimpsed, though I toiled to build them; dreams now gone in the swipe of a shoe; and from this dream, I do not wake; and it is how I'd have wanted it.

 

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In all his days as a window washer, he had never once seen a door on the outside of the hundredth floor, until that day.

They'd started at the roof, as always, plunging their small platform over the edge and then riding it down, little by little. They enjoyed each other's company, but even more, they enjoyed the silence, the silence and the squeaking sounds as they worked over the glass. They enjoyed their own never-ending rhythm, fanning in graceful arcs, fanning and dunking and drying, complementing one other, filling in the limits of each other's reach.

They almost never looked inside the windows; they almost never cared to. The people inside were murky shadows, like ghosts, or underpaintings, or characters in an old, washed-out silent film. Their shapes distorted as the windows were doused, then wiped dry, doused, then wiped dry, and the men on the scaffold noticed the people inside only sometimes, the way one notices shells on the ocean floor, revealed after a passing wave, then hidden, then forgotten.

They loosened the ties on the pulleys and lowered themselves, and started again, window after window, floor after floor.

Outside, the Sun was an arm's reach away.

Outside, the wind was cruel.

Outside, they brought with them their own weather. On cloudy days, their scaffolding would sometimes seem to ascend above the clouds into a sunshine that no one on the ground could see. On sunny days, such as today, the window washers would sometimes disappear into a small cloud that hovered over their platform, perhaps fashioned from the water they were carrying and from the heat of their own breath.

It was from such a cloud, and dangling from a heaven-high roof, they wiped at the windows again and again and again; and in an otherwise unremarkable moment, their little cloud parted, and that was when he saw it—the door, high above him, high and to the right: a glossy black door with a brass knob that reflected the sunlight into his eyes, a heavy wooden door set into the vertical plane of steel and glass, an impossible door.

The other men were already unfurling the platform down the building and bringing the door farther out of reach, and he knew then that if he didn't reach for it, didn't at least try, then he'd never have a chance again, and never know what lay on its other side; and without a word to his colleagues and friends (for they preferred to work in silence), he stepped off the platform; and they never did understand why.

 

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The world's strongest man wants to make omelette, but every time he tries to crack an egg, he crushes it, so he gets shell in the frying pan and yolk all over the floor. (Sometimes it's not easy being the world's strongest man.)

The world's strongest man owes $125 in library fines because he keeps tearing out pages. (Sometimes it's not easy being the world's strongest man.)

The world's strongest man hits a home run every time he has an at-bat, so baseball isn't any fun for him. (Sometimes it's not easy being the world's strongest man.)

The world's strongest man once ate a fork by accident. (Sometimes it's not easy being the world's strongest man.)

The world's strongest man can't put on a condom without tearing it. (Sometimes it's not easy being the world's strongest man.)

The world's strongest man has never forgiven himself for the accident with his puppy when he was a boy. (Sometimes it's not easy being the world's strongest man.)

The world's strongest man is tired of being called "Ox," "Bull," "Hoss" and "Big Guy." (Sometimes it's not easy being the world's strongest man.)

The world's strongest man wants to give you a kiss, but he won't because he's scared of hurting you. (Sometimes it's not easy being the world's strongest man.)

The world's strongest man worries that no one will love him for his mind. (Sometimes it's not easy being the world's strongest man.)

 

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When I close my eyes, there's a man talking to me. He's little, and if he's making sound, I can't hear it, but he sits on the inside of my eyelid, well-dressed, behind a desk, like a newscaster on a tiny television, reporting sternly and firmly on the passing of pressing events.

I don't know what he's saying but I know it's important.

He's not there every time I close my eyes—only intermittently, usually at the ends of long days. Sometimes he's changed his tie or he's wearing a different colored shirt. Even in a pink shirt he looks composed and urgent.

He's very small, and it's hard to make out the movement of his lips, but one word I think I can make out, because he uses it so often: "Help."

Lately, he's been cutting to other correspondents with greater and greater frequency. They're always on the scene of a terrible disaster—plane crash or hurricane or the death of an innocent child. When the correspondent finishes, they cut back to the original little man, but he always takes a moment of solemn stillness before his lips begin to move again, silent reading of an unknown almanac.

"Help," the little man is saying inside my eyes, and then maybe, after that (it's hard to tell) "yourself."

 

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The Introspective Superhero would happily rescue people, if only he knew with certainty that's what they wanted. But it's hard to know what's best.

Take Anna, for instance. Her tabby cat Bartholomew is currently stuck up a tree, beyond Anna's reach. Bartholomew is getting more and more frightened at his situation, and he keeps pushing himself farther up the tree, as if sensing that the ground is an enemy from which he must retreat. Anna, too, is beginning to panic, though she's normally quite level-headed: she thought the cat would have good enough sense to come down by now, and since he hasn't, she's becoming unsure of how to resolve the situation.

Nothing would be easier for the Introspective Superhero than to swoop in, fetch the cat off its branch, and return it safely to Anna's worried arms. But how much better would it be, he wonders, if Anna were to arrive at her own solution—remembering, say, the old stepladder in her apartment building's shared garage; setting up the ladder; confronting her own modest fear of heights; and, from a rung halfway up, luring the cat Bartholomew back down to safety? How much more confident and empowered would she feel? How much more fond of her cat, and herself, at the opportunity, years from now, to look back nostalgically at her afternoon's heroics, and how her actions had brought her and her cat closer together? The intervention of the Introspective Superhero would not help her. It would diminish her.

Even in matters of life and death, the path of the Introspective Superhero isn't always clear. He remembers painfully a time when, during a bank robbery at United First Federal, one of the thieves pointed a gun at the chest of a police officer and fired. The Introspective Superhero used his lightning speed to interject himself between the officer and the speeding bullet. But the policeman was furious. "I was wearing my vest!" he yelled, pointing at his Kevlar. The gunshot wound would likely have been trivial, but would have afforded the middle-aged beat cop a medal, promotion, and a path to an easy retirement. The District Attorney, too, was put out by the hero's actions. Till he'd arrived on the scene, it had been a clear open-and-close case of armed robbery; but against the Introspective Superhero, all weapons were useless, and the bank robber's lawyer convincingly argued the judge down to a misdemeanor.

Superpowers, it seems, don't make the world less complicated. Rather, because they afford the hero with near-infinite options, they make the world incredibly more difficult to manage. Each choice presents so many possible outcomes that it's impossible to guess which one is best. That's why most nights, though the hero could be saving innocent lives, instead he elects to stay at home and do very little. The best way to make the world better, he reasons, is to avoid it altogether.

 

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The blast of cold air blew through our office and unmoored the various collected memos, contracts, loosely-held Post-It notes, food menus, and business cards, so it looked like a ticker tape parade, or anyway, it looked like our idea of a ticker tape parade: none of us had ever seen a ticker tape parade. None of us had ever seen ticker tape.

"Jesus!," someone shouted. Then another: "Jesus! Jesus!"

One of the employees had climbed out his window and was now balanced on a ledge he shared with three skittish pigeons.

I didn't even know the windows opened this high up.

Somehow it fell on me to talk him back inside, maybe because I am the designated fire deputy, or maybe I was designated as the fire deputy for the same reason that I was now being chosen for this task—a reason which has never been made clear to me.

"Doug," I called out.

Nothing in my background as a copywriter had specifically prepared me to help in situations such as these.

"Doug, why don't you come back inside?"

He didn't answer. I'd expected him to look like a crazed person out there on the ledge, but he didn't. He looked collected, all things considered. The pigeons, too, had settled down, acclimated to the idea of him, and the four of them perched there, Doug and the three birds, as if resting, or admiring the sunset, or waiting for the train.

"Doug," I tried again. Was it normal to keep saying a person's name in these instances? I did it naturally without planning, and wondered if it was residual muscle memory from some mandatory management training session. "Is everything okay? You want to talk?"

"Oh, hey," he said to me, as if noticing me for the first time, as if we'd bumped into each other in the kitchenette while fetching coffee.

"What are you doing out there, man?"

A pigeon started pecking curiously at his leg, and he shooed it away till all three birds flew off, flock mind.

"Aren't you cold?," I asked him.

"I'm good."

"Come on, it's winter out. Why don't you come back inside?"

"I don't want to go back inside. I don't want to go back inside ever." He looked at me, and I noticed he was sweating. "I don't want that life anymore," he said, and he shivered, maybe at the thought of staplers and khaki pants and action items, or maybe just the cold air.

"Okay. That's okay. You don't have to. I mean, why don't you come back in, and then you can have any life you want. Start over. Have an adventure. Start fresh. It's the American dream, right? No matter what you think, you can come back inside and then have any life you want."

I helped him climb back through the window, and then security helped him out of the building, and then the police helped him to the hospital, and after three days under observation, the hospital released him into the care of his parents, which, if you ask me, is enough to make any grown man a suicide risk.

*     *     *

Doug's parents lived in a suburb of Cleveland. He stayed with them for one week: he cleaned up their basement, breaking down the cardboard boxes they'd been accumulating with the purchase of each successive new electronic device: the VCR box under the DVD box under the TiVo box under the box for the plasma TV: it was a sculptural timeline of the forward march of technology, a micro view of the history of man, as seen through a decade's worth of packaging materials for consumer electronics.

Doug started rereading some of the books he'd kept from his college years, Russian literature and French poetry and economics and music theory and the history of Japan. He had open copies of a dozen books and seemed to want to read them all concurrently.

Then, at the end of that week, he disappeared, leaving twelve open books, a vacant corner of the basement where cardboard boxes had been piled, and no note.

*     *     *

The next we heard, Doug was crossing the Missouri River in a Conestoga wagon, en route to Nebraska. He meant to grab himself some acreage and some cattle, and work the land till the dust had caked with the sweat on his skin. It's honest work, he said, and I'll sleep as well as I ever have.

And we might not have heard from him at all after that, except that some time later, he sent a note that his beloved wife (for he'd married) had died from a fever, and with nothing but sadness keeping him where he was, he packed his things and set out for California. "The air is like oranges," he wrote.

Once arrived, he built an oil derrick by hand, and before long, he was slick with wealth and petroleum; but he knew no matter how much prosperity he drilled from the ground, he would never get his wife back; so he traded his claims for a chest of gold and a seaworthy sailboat built in the Chinese style, and he aimed the boat toward the setting sun, and disappeared again.

Next we heard from Doug, he was missing his right leg from the knee down. He'd lost it fighting a civil war, "to help take back for the people that which was rightfully theirs." Where?, we asked. What country? But the color fell from his eyes. "The wrong side won, and the country I knew doesn't have a name anymore."

A publisher made a book out of Doug's journals from the war, and it became quite famous; but Doug himself had moved on.

We lost him for a while. We heard he moved up north, that he'd remarried and had children, that he'd returned to the city. Sometimes one of us would claim they'd seen him on the street, or at the museum, or stepping into an elevator. We heard he was involved in a real estate deal, had a venture in medicine, heard he had learned to harness the power of the sun. We heard he was building a rocket ship with his daughter. No one knew for sure. Everyone wondered, but then, everyone forgot, too.

*     *     *

I was at work. I'd done well for myself. I had a corner office with pictures of my family on the desk. I had someone to answer my phone calls, and when I did take a call, I was loud and warm and gregarious, and people were almost always happy to speak with me.

Things moved forward as they should.

But on this day, for some reason, I felt a little flushed, and muddy in the head. "Please hold my calls," I said to the person who answers my phone, as I laid down on my office sofa. "I'm going to try and sleep this thing off."

When I woke, there were loose papers tossed around my office, and a cold wind ripped in through the window. I didn't even know the windows opened up here.

Doug was there, sitting on my window ledge. "I made you some tea," he said. I took it, and, edging out the window, sat down next to him. "Doug! How are you? Where've you been?"

Breaking horses.

Splitting atoms.

Striking gold.

Doug was silent. Then he spoke.

"There's nothing about the world that you don't know already in your dreams, when you're five. There's nothing to accomplish, no satisfaction that you haven't already achieved during your first kiss, and every kiss after that, and when you're holding your first child, and every child after that. There's no adventure you can't have, if only you let yourself. Reality is more real than you think it is. That's the American Dream: you can have everything, because you already have everything inside you."

I couldn't feel the cold at all anymore.

"This time," Doug said, "why don't you come with me?"

And I did.

 

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When the first one died, she buried it herself in her own backyard, and on that spot grew a beautiful tree, which she named Sarah.

When the second died and was buried, another tree sprouted, and she called it Daniel.

So it was for each of them, a tree for a child, till at the end of her own life, she had a forest for a family, and was herself laid to rest in this quiet grove of sadness.

 

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Superman was persuaded to hire an IT guy. "Why do I need email?," he asked. "I can see clear to the horizon. I can hear radio frequencies across the globe." But his mother Martha wanted to send him photos, and Lois was always looking for a decent Scrabble partner. Most compelling, the NSA had evidence that Lex Luther was developing an advanced computer virus to take over the world. "How are you going to save us," the President asked him, "if you don't even know how to open up Outlook?"

"If I can't open up Outlook, I'll be the only one safe from the virus!" But he didn't like to think of himself as ignorant, so he hired a cousin of Jimmy Olsen's to install a complement of hardware and software into the Fortress of Solitude.

"How do I turn it on?," he asked the IT guy.

"The Internet? You don't turn on the Internet. It's always on, like the Sun."

Lois came over to show him how it all worked. "You should Google yourself! Look: one million, four-hundred sixty thousand results! Hey, click on the 'News' link: see if my stories are at the top."

"It says I already have a page on MySpace. What's MySpace?"

"Don't worry about MySpace," Lois answered.

When she came back a week later, he was still sitting at the computer. "Hey Lois! I'm the mayor of the Fortress of Solitude! @ThatSuperman has 400,000 followers!"

"You have a Twitter account?"

"I've got to protect my online brand, Lois."

The Internet afforded Superman with a whole new set of data that he could use to monitor crime, and to keep peace and order across the planet.

"Wait—Lex Luther is your Facebook Friend?"

"Well, we know a lot of the same people. And sometimes he harvests my crops in Farmville. Anyway, he doesn't really have time for world dominion anymore."

The Internet was far more effective at eliminating violent crime than Superman had ever been, because the criminals now mostly stayed at home—uploading photos of old capers, editing Wikipedia entries on classic bank heists, and playing each other at Mafia Wars till they fell asleep at their keyboards, icing each other all night long, from the safety of their dreams.

 

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"Are you gonna eat those?" He was eying up my pancakes.

"Of course I'm going to eat them. I wouldn't have ordered them if I wasn't going to eat them."

"Oh. I just thought maybe you weren't going to eat all of them."

No way was I going to eat all of my pancakes, but no way was I going to share them with him, either. "You want me to get the waitress, so you can order your own pancakes?"

"No, that's OK. I'm not that hungry."

The trouble with Godzilla is he's always hungry. And he breaks things by accident. And he scares people. It's kind of a drag.

"Here." I cut my pancakes down the middle. "Take half."

"You gonna eat that sausage?"

*     *     *

"You wanna come up?" I ask my girlfriend on the stoop.

She nibbles gently at my ear. "Dunno. Is your roommate home?"

I play with the button on her shirt but don't answer.

"I think I'm just gonna go home," she says.

*     *     *

The alarm clock goes off and I stumble out of bed toward the bathroom. I pass Godzilla, coming out. "Don't go in there!" he warns.

And he's used up all the toilet paper.

"Sorry!"

*     *     *

Sometimes we sit in our apartment in the dark, in the quiet, though it never gets completely dark or completely quiet because Tokyo leaks in through the windows. The lights flicker off the walls, and horns bleat, and sirens, and sometimes through acoustical miracles, conversations carry up from the street to our window. But things feel mostly muted and far away, and it's relaxing. We enjoy it when we can afford to.

Godzilla has a little plastic lamp clamped to the cover of the book he's reading.

"'Summer grasses—all that remains of soldiers' dreams.'"

"That's a good one," I say.

"Sad, right?"

"And not sad, too. Just, you know, true."

He's got little Post-It notes sticking out of his favorite pages, and he turns to another: "'Clouds—a chance to dodge moon-viewing.'"

"Ha," I laugh.

"Yeah," he says. "Yeah..."

"OK, one more."

He flips pages. "Here's one." He clears his big throat. "'Not one traveler braves this road—autumn night.'"

"Hmm. I don't know about that one."

"I like it because it's quiet," Godzilla says.

I nod. "I get that," I tell him.

*     *     *

"What did you do today?" I ask Godzilla as he walks in the door. But he shrugs and looks at me kind of sheepishly and lumbers off to his room, and I decide it's probably best if I don't watch the news tonight.

*     *     *

"What's it like?" I ask him once. "All the killing." He frowns at me and looks like he wants to spit, and I'm sorry I asked. He absent-mindedly picks up our salt shaker and crushes it and then looks embarrassed.

"It's not like that," he finally answers. "The guy who gets off on destruction, on being big and strong and powerful—I'm not that guy.

"I know you're not that guy."

"It's lonely being a monster."

"I guess it probably is."

"I'm glad you're my friend," he tells me, and I hug him the best I can with my little arms and his big body, a real hug, tight, so he knows I mean it.

 

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I had a rowboat but I lost it.

I live in a place, inhabited but not overcrowded, and the boat would take me away from it, through bubbling channels and quiet lagoons, to drift instead among the frogs and the light-footed dragonflies that skate on the surface of the pond. It's not long being in the boat before my troubles disappear; I disappear, into the swirls of water, or swirls of algae in the water, imagining shapes onto them as if they were clouds; or I look into the shapes of the clouds reflected onto the surface of the water; or I look into the clouds themselves. I follow the current's meanderings, navigating its minute discoveries—why is the air cooler here?—why do the fish gather there?—Hello, old rock. I might as well be sailing around the world, I'm so far from my troubles; till I find my way back, more at peace than before, tie up my boat, and resume my business.

Then one day the boat was gone, whether stolen or lost to the weather or a weakness of the rope or most likely the carelessness of my knot, I don't know; but I'm sure it's the last: that one day, I'd have paddled up toward the dock, drifted, bumped it, stepped springing onto the bouncing pier, sun in my eyes, sweat dripping from my brow, smell of summer on my skin and in my hair, some sogginess from water, worry about sunburn, hungry, missed phone calls, impatient to-do lists, life—I forgot to tie up my little boat, or tied it poorly, I'm sad to concede. Waves pushed at it, gently, again and again, into the dock, knocking like a welcome but tentative guest; then, disheartened, nudged by a chance in the wind, pulled it in the other direction. Away. Adrift.

Headless, the boat wandered toward a deeper part of the pond, where, finding an easy current, followed it to the place the pond meets the creek; stalled for a while on a shallow embankment; nudged again loose and away, to the spot less visible to us than the fishes where the creek becomes the river, where the river opens out to the sea, and the boat was free free free, tiny on top of a whole underwater world, rising up on the waves, falling, up and down, the earth's own breath; and in this way, it torqued and turned and traveled the world, following warm waters up, passing bare beaches and thick forests, steep cliffs, crackling ice, breaching whales, flocks of birds, flocks of fishes; vessels too passed it and noticed it or passed it and failed to notice, fishermen from Portugal, from Japan; an ocean tanker which itself contained a kind of ocean; happy people in the heavy sun; sad people; people of all kinds. This little boat saw them all, though it didn't understand or recognize them, but drifted on, oblivious to the richness of its adventures; while I, at home, regretted my poor knot and thought on it often.

 

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Two lovers in a meadow by a forest, and one says, "Let's go into the woods!", so they run off hand in hand. The forest grows thick—tangles of branches and leaves that block the sun, thickets of vines that snarl the paths—and before long, the two lovers become separated from one another, and can't find their way back.

"Where are you?" "Over here!" They reach their fingers through the vines toward the sound of that beloved voice. As long as they can hear each other, they never feel entirely lost; but they can't see one another, except in maybe-imagined flashes of colors glimpsed through the trees; and they can't find a path that will bring them back together.

"Where are you?" "Over here."

So they grow old in the forest, in love but unable to see or touch. Sometimes they call out more from habit than urgency; sometimes they mouth their answer without making a sound. Eventually, they stop speaking at all—so there's no longer any proof of the other's continued existence in the forest. But neither do they want any proof. They believe the other is over there, somewhere, in the thick of the woods; and undisturbed in the company of this hope, they live happily, quietly, ever after.

 

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You're looking for work. You've just about given up. You see an ad and you answer it. You call the number and they ask, can you come down now? Yes you can come down now. You write their instructions. You walk to the corner and wait for the bus. When it shows up, you step onto it and sit toward the back. You watch out the window as it carries you overland through the neighborhood, through the next neighborhood, and into neighborhoods you've never seen. Storefronts and people roll by your window and they're all unfamiliar. Last stop, the driver says. There's no one on the bus. You get off.

The sky is dark like the gray before sunrise. You read the directions you wrote down and walk to a dim low office building. You ring the buzzer. They're waiting for you. Would you like something to drink?, they ask. No, you don't need anything to drink.

The three words that best describe you are reliable, creative, and detail-oriented. That's not really what we're looking for. Do you understand the nature of the position for which you've applied?

I'd like that glass of water now. Sure thing.

We would like to hire you, they say. You're not qualified but we would like to hire you. Most people come to us out of vanity, but you've come to us because you're hungry and have nowhere else to go, and we think that's a more honest motive.

Thank you.

Don't thank us.

Underneath the office is a labyrinth, and somewhere in the labyrinth is a monster. The monster is so terrible, no one has seen it and lived. Every year seven men and seven women are sent down into the labyrinth, to calm the beast so it might stay underground.

You stand at the door to the labyrinth and soon you will go inside to try and kill the monster. This is your job now.

A girl, the office manager, has offered to spool string to you, to help you find your way out, after. Are you ready? she asks. Are you scared?

Since you don't know what's inside, there is no way to be ready, and it would be foolish to be scared. I don't know, you tell her, as you step into the darkness after the monster...

 

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Another one of her husband's business functions tonight and it was her job to play the wife. She loathed these things but faked it admirably well for short durations. Mark—her husband's name was Mark—thought she might enjoy this one: "Samson will be there."

Everyone expected she and Samson got along, for obvious reasons.

Introverts, she reminded herself, expend energy in social situations. Whereas extroverts draw energy, ingest it. So it's not that there's anything wrong with me, per se, was her conclusion to herself. Nor does their ingesting of my vital energy automatically mean that extroverts deserve to be treated like sycophantic vampires, was her next thought. She took a deep breath.

"Don't worry so much," Mark counseled her.

"I'm not worried. I just need to get ready." She kissed him on the cheek and disappeared upstairs, settling in front of a vanity mirror.

"Who's the fairest of them all?," Rapunzel said aloud, running her hands through her famous hair.

The hair unfurled around her, spilled out of the bedroom, trailed down the stairs and flowed through the rooms of the house like she was a fountain. It was so lustrous that light hitting it reflected back onto the ceiling and made constellations.

She didn't need much time to tend to her hair. Most days, she didn't even brush it. "Silky locks slip." Every morning, she'd sit up in bed and coil it in armfuls, like a sailor's rope; and through the day, she'd maneuver about her home by reeling the hair in and letting it out again with gentle swings of her arm. She left the bulk of it in the center of the house, in an atrium which had not been built expressly for that purpose but which suited it perfectly, a convenience she discovered days after first moving in.

Rapunzel had gotten so adroit at managing her hair that she barely noticed herself doing it. Stirring pots, sipping from her drink, talking on the phone, all the while winding and unwinding the lengths of her golden hair—passing the wooden spoon, the glass, the telephone, back and forth between her hands while unfurling her hair and coiling it back up; the delicate footwork, stepping over and around the masses of it that flowed from room to room: Mark watched her sometimes, the unconscious beauty of this dance, the native grace of her. She was the most beautiful woman in the land; and it was impossible to separate the image of her from that cascading wonder of her hair.

"It's a pain in the ass," she'd say, just before cutting it off. Mark would come home to discover her wearing an angular bob, cut above the shoulders, sharp and sudden across her face, she gleeful with the lightness of it. But sad, too, with loss—sad from the lightness.

No matter, because within days, the hair replaced itself: it grew out of her with unstoppable force, overrunning everything. "Where does it come from?" She'd sigh, but without anger, at the inevitableness of it—like someone who has come to the end of a too-short vacation—and begin again wrapping it into manageable shapes.

"If that hair is your worst burden in life," he'd say, "at least it's a beautiful burden."

"At least it doesn't tangle."

The truth was, she wasn't sure she liked her husband. She loved him—that was easy enough. It's not hard to love someone so known and so close for so long: she loved him, but maybe because what we mean by "love" is sometimes a nice, portable word to describe the shorthand, the easy easiness that we're lucky to experience with a few strangers over a lifetime. Love: a lack of the typical discomfort. Love: that which trickles in through the otherwise impermeable solipsism.

She imagined fairly precisely how the evening would play out among his colleagues and their wives: bravado and laughter and some of both not false. Inevitably, Mark would tell the story of how the two of them had met—the one story everyone knew already. "I was a petty thief!" he'd brag. "I broke into her home to steal from her!" He always ended the story the same way: "But as soon as I laid eyes on her, she robbed me instead: she stole my heart." He said this with a mix of syrupy storyteller's sweetness and also sincerity, such that she couldn't tell how much of it he truly believed. Maybe even he couldn't tell. That's the danger of recycling your best stories rote: habituation numbs everything.

She had an aversion to fruits and vegetables and it embarrassed Mark at these dinners. "She's allergic," he'd explain.

"I'm not allergic. I just don't like vegetables."

But to him this was uncomfortably close to admitting a true character flaw, so he'd confide to anyone: "When she was a baby, her family traded her for a bunch of rapini."

"Not rapini," she'd have to correct. "Rampion."

"Sorry. I knew it was rampion, I just said it wrong."

"Rapini is a broccoli..."

Since her twins Hercules and Tabitha had been born, she'd tried to reconsider her relationship to the produce aisle. It was difficult. Lately, Rapunzel found the simple act of grocery shopping to be stressful to the point of apoplectic paralysis: it offered a multiple choice set with nearly infinite questions and no correct answers. Salted or unsalted peanut butter? Fresh or frozen blueberries? Farmed or wild salmon? Low-fat cream cheese or fat-free cream cheese? NutraSweet or refined sugar? White bread or brown bread? Carbs or fat? She just didn't want to poison her family with whatever happened to be carcinogenic this week.

It occurred to her that so much of life is arranged like a multiple choice test with no correct answers.

She lingered, always, over the lettuce in the produce section, and wondered if the grocer stocked such a wide variety of it just for her, just to mock her. "Is lettuce even a vegetable? It's a leaf. Doesn't it need to have some substance before it's considered a vegetable?"

Too often, she came home with nothing but frozen pizza, red velvet cupcakes, and a case of wine. The pizza tasted like cardboard, but comforting cardboard, at least. Once, a girl in her daughter's preschool unpacked a Ziploc bag of fresh cherries, and Tabitha asked, "What are those?" Mortifying. Since then, Rapunzel made a point of buying whatever fresh fruit was in season, setting it prominently in a bowl in the kitchen, and then forgetting it there till it rotted and was replaced the following week. "The Bowl Where Fruit Goes to Die," Mark called it.

She pinned up her hair with relative ease. "Product makes perfect!" she'd joke, but in fact, she rarely used any, and the apparent effortless grace with which she managed her coiffure was a result of plain old practice. A few pleats and layers were all she needed to create striking dramatic effects. In general, she avoided ostentation, but for their wedding, she'd sculpted her hair into the shape of a castle, which, set upon her head, floated like it had been built upon a cloud. When her son Hercules first learned to crawl, she began fashioning her hair into elaborate mazes, and they'd make a game of his finding his way out, till one time a structural incident resulted in the collapse of one section of the labyrinth, and Hercules was suddenly buried under an avalanche of it. It scared him as only a child can be scared—no pain, but a deep feeling of betrayal at a world he'd trusted too completely—and that was the end of that particular game.

Lately, she'd taken to draping large sections of her hair up the sides of the walls, to get it out of the way, mostly, though it reminded her nostalgically of the ivy that grew around the tower where she'd spent her childhood. But once birds came and began nesting in it, Mark asked her to take it down.

Her real guilty pleasure, and where she spent her time, was her eyebrows. They grew suddenly, relentlessly, with the fierceness of a desert cactus hungry for its short spiny burst of life. She'd pull up to the mirror to tweeze her eyebrows into neat groomed shapes, plucking at them deliberately one at a time; and by the time she finished, they'd already have begun growing back. So she learned to tend them the way one tends a garden—that is, tending the garden that exists now, and also the garden that will grow in later. Studying the pattern of where they wanted to grow, she anticipated it; and rather than feud with it—it was a force of nature—she plucked in a way that she hoped would be complementary. The precision that this required was such that she could spend literal hours in front of her mirror—not, in the end, out of vanity, exactly, but more because of the calmness it afforded her. Staring so closely at her own reflection, she found she disappeared. Her worries receded into the simple task: tweeze and pluck. Tweeze and pluck. So close to the glass, her face ceased to be hers, and instead became its own landscape—her own face, a faceless alien landscape of pores and follicles; and staring longer, this dissolved further into just shapes, colors, no labels, no words.

She looked at the flush of her cheeks in the mirror and tried to imagine what her brain knew to be true, that it meant blood circulating under the skin in an almost infinite fractal of veins and capillaries: she imagined it like a magical river of lava, flowing underground through miles of unexplored tunnels. She imagined little boats coursing along this river, delivering their payload of globular vitality. What a great word: "hemoglobin." Little packets loaded with oxygen. Oxygen, which she needed to live; and which also is a poison that ages and eventually kills us. We oxidize. Blood races through the bloodstream, gives us life and speeds us toward death. Aging is just rusting to death.

She tried controlling the flow by holding her breath, by breathing faster, watched for subtle changes in her complexion's mood, as if her complexion were a friend and they were playing a child's game of hide and seek. "Come, oxygen. Come out come out wherever you are. Come, death."

She breathed deeply. When she let herself be very still, her breath always touched up against some anxious part of her and jolted her out of the stillness, brought her back to the day and its worries: she'd been shopping all day for shoes with her friend Goldilocks—its own special Hell. "Those look nice," Rapunzel had said encouragingly.

Goldilocks wrinkled her button nose. "Too big."

"How about those? They're cute."

"Too small."

It never ended.

Goldilocks had a new lover and wouldn't stop talking about him, but she was fickle with men and everything else, and Rapunzel doubted the poor fellow would last the week. She smiled politely, thinking of all the couples she knew, and wondering if any of them were happy. One by one, she held them in her mind like an imaginary police lineup and tried to imagine which ones were cheating on their spouse. As a game, it helped her to pass the time, but she conceded that without any real information, it was just wistful conjecture, impossible to know, like trying to guess someone's birthday, or how they trim their pubic hair. (Goldilocks waxed regularly. Rapunzel, perhaps in deference to the obvious jokes about her own hair growth, was fastidious about keeping modestly trimmed.)

"Psychiatrist says nannies turn young boys into future adulterers," Goldilocks read aloud from the cover of a fashion magazine.

"The single leading cause of adultery," Rapunzel answered, "is marriage."

Her therapist had asked her once if she'd ever considered cheating. "Well, that depends on your definition of 'cheating'—." She'd found there was little point to being cloying with her therapist, but she kept at it anyway.

"What's your definition of cheating?" he asked.

"Would I ever consider cheating? Is that what you asked? Ever is such a horribly long time...."

"What's your definition of cheating?"

He wouldn't let up. Fine. "There are certain... How do I say it? Our marriage—I mean: any marriage—it's based on certain expectations and assumptions.... some of which aren't spoken. Aloud. So I mean there's a lot of room in marriage—any marriage—for misunderstanding...."

That hung in the air for an extra few moments. The air was thick in her therapist's office.

"Don't you agree?" she asked.

"What do you think are the misunderstandings in your marriage?"

For Christ's sake. "Where to begin? No. I'm joking. I was, you know, speaking generally. There aren't any particular disappointments in my marriage."

"Disappointments?"

"Yeah. No. Wait, what?"

"I asked you about misunderstandings in your marriage, and you said disappointments."

"Did I?"

"Yes."

"Interesting!"

They stared at each other, the perennial overpriced blinking contest.

"Would you like to talk about your disappointments?"

"I don't see the point really. Everyone has disappointments."

"What are some of yours?"

"Me? No. I was speaking generally."

On it went, hour after hour, week after week. Why did she even go?

[When you spend your childhood locked in a tower, when that tower is all you know, you don't consider yourself trapped, particularly. This is the boundary of your world. So when someone breaks into your tower and seduces you with rescue, well, "Rescue from what?" you ask. He says there's a bigger, more enticing world out there, full of possibilities; and you say, "What are possibilities?"

It's not his fault: he goes to some trouble, this liberator-thief: he has mainly good intentions. He even incurs some injuries bringing you into this new world. But being trapped is all you know. It's the only place you feel like yourself. You get a fresh start in a new, expansive garden, and the first thing you'll do, every single time, is build a wall. To make yourself feel more at home.]

Since she'd stopped being able to sleep, she'd been taking long walks in the night. Mark hated it. "Who walks? You look like an indigent person." But too he was worried about her safety, and as a concession to him, she strapped reflective strips to her ankles to flash back the lights from oncoming cars. From the distance, she imagined they looked like two very small, very low-flying, very spastic UFOs.

He also bought her a ridiculous can of Mace, which she did not bring with her and which she thought wasn't even legal in their state.

The anxiousness wasn't even background noise. It was the air itself.

The walks got longer.

In the beginning, just looping through her own neighborhood at 4am felt exciting and forbidden. In the low light, even common things looked refreshed: she'd notice pocks in a tree, or a crack in a neighbor's house that she'd never seen before. Imperfections are everywhere, she began to think, but mostly invisible during the bustle of the day. Also, imperfections are where things become unique: the pocks and cracks are the main things that distinguish us from one another. So she'd quest for them, the flaws and subtle breakages, and once she saw them then her perception of that object would be altered; and she'd carry this new knowledge back with her into waking hours, like a secret. "Secrets make us stronger," Goldilocks had said to her once, while gossiping about her lovers. Rapunzel thought: secrets make our autonomy stronger.

Soon, like everything else, her furtive late night wanders fell into the familiar, and lost their excitement; and she found herself investing more time and more risk in her excursions. She'd go farther. She climbed the fence at the edge of their neighborhood and strolled the nearby golf club. By day it was overrun with men in pink shirts. By night, coyotes. Both were dangerous, she laughed, but lately she preferred coyotes.

What terrifies children? Big-clawed monsters so strange and unique that grown-ups don't even have names for them. Drowning. Supernovas. Being left behind.

What terrifies adults? Foreclosure. Being passed over for promotion. A declined credit card. Getting sick from food past its freshness date. The loss of comfort. The chance that we're missing out.

At what age do we become so banal?

"Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair." To let down your hair is to run wild. Did she ever do that, really?

What excites children? Sugar. Swimming pools. Bunk beds. Eating. New things. Familiar things.

What excites adults? She didn't claim to know. Tomorrow, maybe. Always the sense that tomorrow would be better. She'd do this tomorrow, she'd do it all tomorrow, because tomorrow there'd be sunshine and energy and money and time. When was this tomorrow? Why not anything today? Because today was always filled up:

"Hercules, do you want pasta or edamame? Pasta? Are you sure? You had pasta for lunch."

She loved them so much she could choke on it. She didn't even perceive them as separate from herself. Is this love? If I were to die today, I wouldn't die at all, as long as they continued.

She wondered how long her hair would grow, after she died.

"Tabitha, what are you eating, honey? No, mommy doesn't want a cherry. But you're sweet to offer. Here, spit out the pit, baby-girl."

She entertained the notion that perhaps Medea had killed the children less from rage or despair and more as a way to escape the exhaustion of so much feeling.

Rapunzel realized her children sprang from the same place as her hair: they both arrived, it seemed to her, from the future, from the great void; and they grew like her hair, too—unstoppably, as if the future had already fully imagined them in a realized state, and was sending incremental updates to the present. Oaks hidden inside acorns. This came as some relief to her: if her life was unpredictable and vaguely dissatisfying, then at least it was also preordained, and not her fault.

She could go on pretending it was real, this life, despite whatever evidence to the contrary. She'd keep at the eyebrows—not till they were finished (they never were or would be), but adequately reckoned with. If the eyebrows were an unanswerable question, then she'd keep at them till the question had been asked, at least. She could disappear, the way she'd disappeared tonight, into the mirror, into the rituals of her hair. She could disappear into whatever task was at hand. She'd put on elegant clothes, pin up her hair, wear all her finest charms. Her efforts would become focused, diligent, even aggressive—maintaining and expanding the illusion of her perfect happy life. This was her purpose. No matter that she didn't believe in it: it wasn't for her. "Happily ever after" was never for her. It was for the others, in their moments of feeling small or tired, a hope there's more and it's nearby, reachable, something that can be had and held and kept forever, as if there were such a thing as forever, as if there were such a thing as happy. The stories we tell our children are terrible, but not for the reasons we assume: a fairy tale is a series of small truths used to tell big lies—not the other way around—and people swallow them like sugar. And she was complicit, she knew. It was her highest purpose: to go to her husband and children day after day, and lie to them about love, and joy, and happily ever after—so they could go on living.

"I'm ready," she called.

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She liked the wallpaper so much, she papered the outside of her house with it; then her lawn, and the mailbox, street lamp, sidewalk, car, the windows of the house; the windshield; and the lenses of her glasses—till she'd ensured that no matter where her eye fell, it would land on something familiar, a recurring pattern, unchanging, comfortable; and she would never have to look at anything disagreeable again till they day she died; and she lined the inside of her coffin with it, too, so she could feel this way forever.

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Anxiety was the first guest to arrive, as usual. He mumbled a hello and shuffled in the door, without a date, holding out the gift of a bottle of chilled Merlot. "Am I early?"

Anticipation showed up next, a little overdressed. He'd run into Familiarity in the driveway and they seemed to hit it off.

Ambition, Hilarity, and Unexpected came, and carried the conversation, so no one minded much the arrival of Droll. Everyone mingled and snacked and drank, chatting and joking, arguing and assenting, and then sat down for dinner.

Sadness and Futility were late showing up, but eventually took their places at the table. It wouldn't have felt right without them.

 

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After a while we started to wonder if the apocalypse wasn't going to happen all at once, like we'd always imagined, but rather gradually—so slowly that we'd barely even notice. And then of course we started to wonder if it was already happening: sometimes it sure seemed like it was.

Then this idea: what if it had already happened and was over?

Since we'd always laughed at those religious doomsday theories like "the Rapture," we also assumed that if the Rapture actually happened, then of course we'd be among those left behind—but till now, we'd never considered that maybe all of us were left behind.

Maybe the world had ended already, and every single last person on earth was deemed unfit to enter Heaven.

Maybe the world had ended already, and no one had particularly noticed.

We started trying to guess when it might have happened. "Hitler!" "The A-bomb!" "Martin Luther!" "The Crucifixion!"

But the fact was, it was impossible to guess. Maybe apocalypse is all we've ever known—so how could we possibly recognize it? Maybe apocalypse came and went before we ever had a chance to see it, or record its signs—maybe back when people first learned to write, or learned to speak, or learned to dream. Maybe it happened as soon as Adam and Eve ate that fruit. Maybe God tossed us out of Eden the same way we toss out a baking sheet of burnt cookies: a failed batch, easy to replace, quickly forgotten. The smoke clears and you start over and you move on. And maybe that's all we ever were.

 

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We noticed it gradually at first. A few people here and there started talking about it. Then it caught on and everyone was noticing: somehow we'd all started to share the same dream.

We would drift off to sleep and enter a fantastic world, and somewhere in that world, everyone else was dreaming it too.

So our lives became split between two worlds: the world where we were awake and worked and kept our families, and the world where we lived while we slept, a world where we were able to start over and make fresh choices and try things anew.

It's easy to understand why people started spending so much time in the dream world, while their real lives slipped farther and farther out of mind. We invaded this new world like explorers: all of it was waiting to be discovered. It was exciting and it made us feel alive again.

And before long, people started to wonder about the one who had designed this world, and how it came that we all collectively entered it in our dreams. We called this person the Architect, and more even than we wanted to sleep, we wanted to find this person, and have all of our questions answered....

 

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You're in your house. It's not big or ostentatious, but it's comfortable and cozy and it feels like yours. You've lived there a little while: you have some agreeable furniture, some wall hangings, a few houseplants, a small collection of coffee mugs that make you a little happy each morning. It's a place where you've coalesced many of these sorts of things—objects that make you a little bit happy.

You like your house. You feel comfortable in it—so much so that you often forget that it sits in the middle of vast river, and it's slowly floating downstream.

You drift down this river, through rough patches and slow meandering bends. Sometimes you stare out the window at the trees on the muddy banks. Sometimes you look at an egret perched on a mooring.

You can't steer your house against the stream, but you do give it a push now and then, to avoid a rock or to pull closer to passing flotsam.

Or people.

Sometimes people drift by on the river. There was a man in a rowboat who wanted to talk to you about salvation. There was a swimmer you rescued from drowning, and took in briefly till he recovered and swam on his way. There's the family on the barge, who sometimes passes you on the river and sometimes you pass them. "Your boys are getting tall," you say. "We baked some muffins," they say. "Do you want some?"

Now and then, not too often, you come upon another house drifting downstream at the same pace. Its window is just across from yours, and you engage in conversation. "Would you like a cup of coffee?" "No, thank you. I'm more of a tea drinker." You start talking, sharing with each other while you drift side by side, and everything feels a little lighter, a little easier.

Eventually, you decide to lash your two houses together and float down the river as one, for a while.

 

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Though the boy was scared and knew better than to enter the old house, his sister was curious and brazen and never did admit her fear (which made her a sometimes difficult playmate). "It looks like no one's been through this door in years!," and she charged off into the darkness. The boy followed reluctantly behind, hoping there wouldn't be too many cobwebs.

Instead of an empty house, they found an old man seated at a wooden table that he'd already set with three tall steaming mugs. "Well there you are," he smiled, not at all surprised to see them. "Would you like some hot chocolate?"

The boy blinked while his eyes adjusted. "Nobody drinks hot chocolate in the summertime." But his sister was already climbing into the high wooden chair toward the mug.

"Some people like hot chocolate in the summertime," the old man said. "In fact, if it's summertime here, that means it's wintertime somewhere else. I suppose everything is in fashion, somewhere."

The girl, who was often told at school that she was very unfashionable, got curious about these other places where unfashionable things were in fashion. She sniffed at her hot chocolate. "What's on top?" she asked. "Whipped cream?"

The old man chuckled. "It does look like whipped cream, doesn't it? On each cup of hot chocolate, I put a dollop of cumulus cloud, fresh from the sky. And this is very special chocolate, given to me by the ancient Aztecs. I travel a lot, and I like to bring back souvenirs."

The boy joined them at the table. "I've never seen an ancient Aztec."

"Of course not," said the girl, pushing up her glasses. "They're ancient. They all died a very long time ago."

The old man nodded. "But that doesn't mean you can't meet them."

"My name is Clarissa," the girl announced, suddenly aware of her manners. "And this is my brother Finley. He's shy."

"I'm not shy," said Finley. "I'm just cautious! Sorry we barged in your door. We thought this house was empty."

"Not at all. I was expecting you. My front door is always open to you. But if you're going to be a guest in my house, then I'm going to have to ask you to be more careful about charging through the other doors."

The children noticed then that the old man's little house was full of doors, but not the kind of doors that one finds in normal houses. The doors in the old man's house were all in the wrong places: some were in the middle of the wall; some were on the ceiling. There was a door set into the stairs and a door set into the sofa. There was even a big knob set into the kitchen table, and the girl realized suddenly that the table was a door. Some of the doors were square and some were round and some were wood and some were metal; some had elaborate handles and knockers and peepholes, and one had a big metal wheel that sealed it shut, and some were just normal unassuming doors. But the doors filled up the house, and they were all closed.

And a metal loop tied to the old man's waist held hundreds of keys that clattered and jangled whenever he moved.

The old man looked at his enormous watch, and stood up. "Please drink your hot chocolate. We have quite a day ahead of us, and I don't know when we'll have time for another snack."

 

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When she was one year old, to celebrate, her mother, the botanist, planted her a tree; and when she turned two, they planted another; and when she turned three, her father, the mathematician, switched them into another tradition—a Fibonacci sequence of trees: 1, 1, 2, 3, 5, 8, 13, 21, 34, and so on, so by age thirteen, they planted her 233 trees, and by twenty, when her father was already gone, she and her mother planted 6,765 trees.

She dreamt of living to a hundred, in a forest so thick no one could even climb through it, because by then trees would beget more trees; and this act, which had started as an act of will by her family—an effort to share her birthday with nature, but also to control nature, as a patron does—would be subsumed by nature itself: the forest growing more forest so it'd be impossible to tell which parts of nature were hers and which belonged to nature itself. In one sense, the woods were hers entirely, existed because of her; and in another sense, she knew it would continue long after she herself was gone and forgotten, and this made her happy and it made her sad.

"This is my tree. This is my first tree." All the subsequent trees were planted in a widening circle around that first one, so the youngest trees were at the outside, and the forest grew taller and older toward the center. When she turned twenty, and her oldest tree turned nineteen, she built her house in the canopy of that tree, and the house grew higher and farther from the ground each year; and when she turned twenty-five and was already surrounded by thousands of trees, she fell in love and married; and when she turned thirty she had her first child, and she and her husband started a new circle of trees at the edge of her forest, so her daughter's forest grew to mingle with her own like the way the daughter herself grew—adjacent and sometimes intermingled, but distinct, too, and pushing out in her own direction. A few years later, they started a new forest for her son, at the opposite corner, and finally four children in all, and each one with a forest growing higher and wider, canopies intertwined, and houses on the highest points of all of them: they grew farther apart, but higher, too, till they forgot the look of the ground and each other, and remembered only the trees.

 

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She comes back to our apartment doused in salt water, kelp in her hair. "Where've you been?" I ask.

"Out. With friends. At a movie."

She makes a line for the bedroom and closes the door before I can say a word.

I'm a good husband, I think. I'm a good listener. I'm sympathetic to her mood swings. I'm a decent cook. I'm kind.

My wife is having an affair with Poseidon, and I don't know what to do.

The silences in our relationship used to be rich with understanding, but lately they're unfilled moments strained with boredom or loss.

A painful irony: I introduced her to Poseidon, during a getaway vacation. I met him, and his then-girlfriend, while sea kayaking, and invited them to join us for dinner. He spent the night slurping oysters and seducing my wife, while I got a little sick on what I imagine was a dash of mercury poisoning.

I could feel her drifting away along a powerful current. I scheduled a movie night for us, French New Wave. I made my chicken marsala recipe. But she called at 7pm to say she'd be working late, and came home after midnight smelling of sea moss.

A week later I found a fish net in the car.

I knew what was going on but I didn't know how to talk to her about it. If you can't talk to your lover about the loss of love, then does it mean the love is already gone?

So I got it in my head I was going to kill Poseidon. I didn't know how or even how to find him. I drove drunk out to the end of the pier and started pissing in the ocean, and it was very gratifying till a police officer told me to move along and stay away from the pier for a while.

That night, I found her sitting in the dark, in the living room, tooting a conch shell like a sad trumpet.

"Are you having an affair?" I asked her without preamble.

"I've been very sad," she answered. "So unexpectedly sad."

"About us?"

"About me. About the way I turned out. About the way I didn't turn out." She put the conch shell on the mantlepiece and held me. "I appreciate you very much." I slapped her across the face so blood came out her nose. "I didn't know you could hit that hard," she said. "I didn't know you could hit."

Tonight, I went out to the bay and watched the moon for hours, listened to the waves come and go and come and go. Nothing that I thought was important seemed important. The waves were whispers, and the ripples in the sand called me out and into the bay. The water was black and cold, and when the waves came in and stirred up the sand and tossed me around, it was impossible to tell which way to the shore, which way was up or down even, and then I only knew two things for certain: the tangle of kelp around my feet, and the riptide, pulling me relentlessly away into something deep and enormous.

 

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Harrison's fear of the Under-the-Bed Monster was strong, but even stronger was his fear that his bossy sister would find out and tease him about it, so he didn't say anything, even when it was obvious the monster was under there. Even when he could hear it snoring. Even when he could see its two furry feet sticking out from underneath the bed.

"I know you're down there," he called out.

"No, I'm not," answered a voice from under the bed. "There's no one down here."

It wasn't very reassuring.

In school they were working on adding numbers, and Harrison practiced to get his mind off the monster. "One plus one is two. Two plus two is four. Four plus four is—." He couldn't remember what four plus four was.

"Twelve," called out the voice from under the bed.

"No it's not," Harrison argued. He counted on his fingers. "It's eight. Just like how many big hairy ugly monster toes you have."

And while Harrison was distracted with the counting, the monster crawled out from under the bed, and ate him.

 

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You walk into your daughter's room. You wouldn't do this normally. You try very hard to respect her privacy, even when this sometimes causes you to wonder if you're being a bad or neglectful parent. The fact that you wonder means that you probably are not a bad or neglectful parent. But everyone has better days and worse days.

Her alarm clock is going off and she's nowhere to be found, so you walk into her room, and that's when you see them, lying on her desk: two little dolls. Voodoo dolls of you and your wife.

"Maybe it's an art project," Janine says, when you tell her about it that night. "She's always been a kind of strange girl."

The next day, while your daughter's at school, you sneak back into her room to have another look. But her desk is empty. You open the drawers and look through, careful not to make a sound, even though no one's home. But you don't see them. You open her dresser, filled with underwear that looks too lacy to belong to your little girl. You feel guilty looking through her things, and nervous, too. "Dad," she'd say, "what are you doing?" And you're not sure what you'd answer.

As you reach for the comforter, to look under the bed, your phone rings and you nearly have a heart attack.

"Hey. What's up?"

Janine says she's got a splitting migraine, came on suddenly. She's on her way home.

"I'll have a cold compress ready for you. That helps a little, right?"

Janine's firm depends on her and she likes that, which means she works long days and then brings work home with her, too. Your own consulting business has been slow lately. You're starting to find it's more satisfying to weed the garden and to cook elaborate meals than to power on your computer and try to drum up new work. You're making a chicken stew when Janine comes through the front door, colorless and weak. Before you can ask how she is, she throws up on the foyer rug.

"Go to bed, I'll clean it up."

Your daughter comes home an hour later. "Eww, what are you cooking?"

"It's chicken stew. You like chicken stew."

"I'm vegetarian!"

You had no idea your daughter was vegetarian. "Tell you what: I'll take the chicken out."

"Gross!"

You don't know how to ask your daughter if she's playing with voodoo dolls. You're not even sure "playing" is the operative verb.

"Honey, can I talk to you about — ?"

But she's already gone upstairs to her room and closed her door. You think back, for some reason, to the day you brought her home from the hospital. She'd been born premature and even when she was released, she seemed just impossibly small—a miniature person made to scale to fit almost in your palm. Her head was a bit lop-sided, so the hospital offered instructions on how to massage it into shape. They were vague on how much pressure to apply, so that, on some days, you wonder if maybe you still see a misshapen bulge in her scalp, and on other days you look for signs that your too-rough handling might have led to brain damage.

You slurp down a bowl of chicken stew while playing solitaire, then check on your wife. She's asleep, snoring quietly, with a spot of what looks like blood on the pillow, beside her ear. "Honey?" you whisper. She doesn't stir, but she gives a sleeping sigh you take to mean she's alright.

The dolls were made of sticks bound together with wire, and dressed in what might have been old Barbie clothes. What makes a voodoo doll a voodoo doll? You touch your head, feeling for signs of pinpricks. Then you touch the rest of your body. You're flaccid, but you don't know if that's black magic or just the normal kind.

To pour so much hope into one's child: it's almost unfair, isn't it, to them, to ask them to be the flimsy vessel of so much expectation? We want all the things for our children that we never had, which means we're asking them to succeed where we ourselves have failed. Why can't we just simply love?

You knock on your daughter's door. "Can I come in?"

"OK."

She's on her bed doing what looks like homework. "You know your mom's sick, right?"

"What's wrong with her?"

"Some kind of headache."

"Is it bad?"

"Yeah, it's bad."

Your daughter pauses at this information, but gives no indication whether she herself has driven a hatpin into her own mother's brain.

"What are you working on?" you ask, when you notice the paper you assumed to be algebra is actually filled with unreadable symbols.

"It's cool, it's like a secret code." She shows you the paper.

"Can you tell me what it says?"

"No, silly, then it wouldn't be secret."

"Hey," you say, glancing at her school bag. "That's not a cigarette lighter, is it?"

"Where? What do you mean?" she asks, scooping up her bag.

"You're not smoking, are you?"

"No!"

You look at her, this little creature. You recognized her, you think, when she was three, when she was seven. She seemed like someone who could be a daughter of yours.

But lately you're not sure.

"You hungry? You want a grilled cheese?"

She shakes her head and goes back to her coding.

While you're washing the dishes, you get a nosebleed. You watch the blood as it falls into the dishwater: the drops are slow to disperse. They just hang there, between the suds and the enamel, floating wispy globes. So slowly, they turn into little red clouds, little sanguine genies offering you a chance to make a wish—but do it quick, before they thin and disappear forever. You watch your own blood floating in the sink, fading. There are so many things you could wish for. So many things. 

 

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You wake to find yourself adrift in a boat, floating on a river, heading out to sea, and then you realize the boat is a coffin, and it's yours, because you're dead.

Funny things happen in your brain while you drift out to sea in your own coffin.

"Did I leave the stove on?" "What was I wearing?" "Did I tell her that I loved her, enough?"

"Did I love the right ones?"

It's a wide wide river of regret, and you are floating in it, for a while. Your self-pity is warmly comforting: "Why me? Why now? Why so soon?" Second-guessing helps you pass the time: "I should have worn more sunscreen." "I should have enjoyed that German chocolate cake." "I should have driven slower." "I should have driven faster." "I should have gone out drinking and dancing every single night, instead of staying home every single night."

Very few of these regrets are actually yours. You've inherited the idea of them, residue from some life you believed you were supposed to have lived, learned from TV and movies and from not knowing yourself well enough. You sail through this clutter, this Sargasso Sea of fabricated desires, bumping up against them with hollow thuds, till finally your boat hits something softer:

"I wish I'd gone to prom."

"I wish I'd been braver."

"Why did I talk so much about that needy man living on the street, and do nothing? He went missing and I never helped him."

"After losing that fight in second grade, why didn't I fight the boy again, instead of retreating into my bedroom for the next ten years?"

"I wish I understood that people cared about me, and let them."

"I wish I'd found something to care about more than myself."

The boat floats on toward the sea. There's no steering it. There's no stopping it.

One morning, you wake. You've rounded a bend, and the sun hits you right in your dead face. Everything is bright and clear, and you can't remember anything. You can't remember who you are. You don't recall where you came from. You watch the birds flying low over the river with great clarity, but you no longer remember yourself as the one who lived in that house, the one who went to that job, the one who loved that woman, the one who hoped for … whatever you hoped for.

Now you're just the man floating in the coffin on the river, on the way out to sea. You've finally arrived, in death, at yourself; and it's wonderful. 

 

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