Blister becomes callus 

“We call it breaking in shoes, but more often we mean breaking in feet.

The bucket and the well 

“The well doesn't run dry. Only the bucket runs dry.

Voir Dire 

After Kant, can anyone ever swear to tell "the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth"? Can anything be "beyond reasonable doubt"?

Our oaths and standards of proof really need to be brought into the epistemic 21st century....

If wishes were fishes 

If wishes were fishes,
the sea would be tea,
and hope like a rope
of pearls around me.

Lemons, pt. 2 

“When God gives you papercuts, don't make lemonade.

Technologies for the Down and Out 

Duct tape
Scratch-off
Bedbug repellent
Plunger
Pennies
Anti-itch cream
Wet vac
Tax lawyer
Pay phone
Cover-up
Glue solvent
Airplane toilet
Gravestone

Koan of the Jigsaw Puzzle 

The Zen master scatters the pieces of the jigsaw puzzle across the table. He does not attempt to assemble the puzzle. Instead, he picks up a single piece at random and contemplates it for the rest of the day.

The solution to the puzzle is the puzzle. The puzzle is the solution to the puzzle.

Sports Talk 

The guys at the bar talking so passionately about sports don't realize that if you swap out the nouns in their sentences, they're having the same conversation that the toddlers outside are having about their sticker collections.

Choke 

“The danger of being clever is that your heart will choke on your tongue.

The Manuscript 

“Working on a poetry manuscript is like masturbating to a picture of a woman you've loved for years.

The Second Step 

“The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. The second step is dry-heaves and shakes. No wonder we linger on step one.

When in the course of human events 

“It's important not to confuse 'Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness' with 'An opportunity to shop.'

Secret of the Universe, pt. 2 

There is no secret of the universe.

By which I mean, the universe is a miraculous but fairly transparent place; and if you spend your time seeking the meaning that you can't see, then you risk missing the meaning that is right in front of your eyes.

The Secret of the Universe 

There is no secret of the universe.

Denim Man 

Denim Man didn't fare nearly as well against The Crimson Dynamo as Iron Man did.

and wait... and wait... and wait... 

“Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into some other one.

Lemons 

“When God gives you lemons, throw them as hard as you can at His head.

The Right Punchline 

(Try again?)

Epiphany of the Shopping Mall, pt. 1 

All people are aesthetes. In the absence of art (i.e., at the shopping mall), people flock to the only art that is left: branding and advertising.

Human nature compels us to seek out the highest forms expression, and the highest forms available to us are offered up by Adidas, Sony, and Coca Cola.

We consume with the appetite of the half-starved.

Houseplants (pt. 2) 

The plants don't seem to want to grow. I water them and give them sunlight, and every now and then, I re-pot them in fresh soil, but in the way that one changes the tablecloth and the place mats—for seasonal variety, and out of habit rather than out of need.

The plants, for their part, do not wither, and they do not complain. But they do not grow.

What is required to make a plant grow?

Like pets, do plants come to resemble their masters?

My Life 

I always want to write, and then I don't write because I'm hungry, and I eat instead, and then after I've eaten, I don't want to write because I'm full, so I sleep instead; and my life, then, is made up of mostly eating and sleeping and wanting to write and not writing.

Wanderlust 

Wears on the sole [sic].

Packing 

I'm packing for that trip I'm about to take. I want to be prepared. I put everything I can imagine needing into a suitcase: I bring extra socks and floss and shampoo, even though I know they'll have it where I'm going. I bring long pants and short pants and a few pair of shoes, and two books and three magazines, and then I sit on my suitcase while I try to zip it closed. It's bursting at the seams. And I realize that everything in it, every single item, is there to insulate me from experiencing anything new why I'm on my trip.

Life is a Fellini Film 

And vice versa.

Am I Invisible? 

Then why do people keep walking into me on the street?

New law of thermodynamics 

An object in motion tends to stay in motion ... unless it is an MTA subway.

.

In absence of my reflection 

In absence of my reflection,
I remember myself incorrectly.

News clip from a seaside town 

A local man, caught in a riptide, was carried out to sea.

An unidentified stranger swam to his rescue.

Both drowned.

Magazine Stand 

The lowest form of capitalism is selling writing about shopping.

Koan of the Colander 

I have a blue sponge in one hand and a bright yellow colander in the other, and hot water pours from the faucet. I'm trying to rinse the colander free of soap bubbles. I try and try, but I can't rinse the colander, because the colander is designed to let the water pour through. The soap bubbles persist.

Then I realize: life is like that.

I pause for a moment to contemplate this, but the water keeps pouring out of the faucet, so eventually I return to scrubbing.

Tipsy Topsy Turvy 

or, How to Describe 2008 in 3 words or Less.

Creature of Habit 

Maintaining a blog is like being a nun who makes regular appointments for Brazilian wax. Who is it for, really?

The Cleaning Lady 

His apartment was too large and his schedule too busy for him to have time to dust, or clean toilets, or scrub floors, so he got a referral from a co-worker, and hired a cleaning lady. "Look at all these nice things you have!" she exclaimed upon her arrival, and promptly threw them in the trash. "There. Everything is cleaner now," she said, and indeed it was.

How to Get Along With Others, pt. 1 

"Just because you can use 'erudite' in a sentence doesn't mean you should!"

Passive Aggressive 

My therapist suggests I might be passive-aggressive, so I cancel my next appointment though I don't tell him why...

Slow Leak from Parade Balloon 

On Thanksgiving (and most other days too), I'm aware and grateful that I am both lovable and loved—and that these things are, it turns out, no cure for the human condition...

Unexpressed Electoral Anger, circa 2004 

You elected a fool because, of the two men, he was the one with whom you could imagine having a beer. I'm not suggesting that you should pick someone thoughtful, wise, or qualified for the job—but why would you want to have beer with a fool?

P.S. He's a twelve-stepper. He doesn't drink.

Command Line Existential Crisis 

$ whatis whoami

Victoria's Other Secret 

Incontrovertible Proof of the Existence of God  

God exists and I can prove it.

My proof is simple, elegant and easy to verify. It shows God is benevolent, and has engineered our world with intelligent design.

Spaghetti squash. You cook it, run a fork through it, and it turns into pasta—but healthy!

(Thank God.)

Experiments in Magnetic Poetry (pt. 1) 

Having Cake Versus Eating It 

When does anyone ever, ever have cake without eating it too? I thought that's what having cake was...

Work 

n. nautical. to sail against the wind.

A co-worker asked me to lunch, and when I said "No thanks," she replied, "Why? Because there will be people there?"

Which made me like her even more than I already did.

But I still didn't eat lunch with her...

* * *

n. physics. force acting upon an object to cause displacement.

Someone at work just told me I'm "more blunt and less charming" than my usual
self today. When I told her to "Fuck off," three people turned around like there was about to be a fight.

Can't anyone take a joke?

* * *

n. fine arts. a creation, such as a song or a painting.

"Chris, what are you doodling?"

"Oh, it's nothing. It's ... a little duck."

"You mind paying attention to our meeting?"

Well, since you asked...

* * *

n. religion. a moral or righteous act or deed.

"The slavery of civil society is ostensibly the greatest freedom, because it appears to leave the individual perfectly independent. The individual considers as his own freedom the movement (no longer curbed or fettered by a common tie or by man) of his alienated life-elements, like property, industry, religion; in reality, this movement is the perfection of his slavery."

Note to Self: when you start quoting Marx in the office, it's probably time to call it a day...

A Convulsion 

     Asking a cigarette
From the woman
     I used to love

     "My last one.
That makes me a good
     Person."

     I took it
And still wonder if
     I should have not.