Caption from an As-Yet Undrawn Cartoon 

“ I'm sort of in between personal brands right now.

Conestoga Wagon 

(This story appears in the February 2013 issue of DOGZPLOT.)

The Tired End of the Party 

It was late, and the party was getting down to its last dregs. The food had run out hours ago, the keg was spitting foam, and the people still sober enough to walk were circling one another like underfed hyenas, mangy and weak but emboldened by urgency, desperate not to go home empty and alone.

This is how Death found her: drunk and lonely at the tired end of a party where she'd had too few friends and nothing in particular to celebrate. Death flattered her and listened to her and smiled, and persuaded her to have one more drink, for the road, and then come home with him, which is exactly what she did, and didn't even need much persuading.

Amish Missed Connections 

You were changing a wagon wheel. I was wearing a hat. You smiled.

* * *

At the barn raising, you borrowed my hammer and took my heart.

* * *

I was the girl reading the Bible at the community center. I cut our conversation short out of shyness. I’d love to discuss the book some more.

* * *

Your cow had prolapsed and retained her afterbirth. I expelled the placenta. Let's schedule a follow-up.

* * *

Do you still think of our rumspringa, like I do?

Lemons, pt. 3 

“ When God gives you lemons, make a Tom Collins.

Bike Race 

This morning, Lance Armstrong challenged my three-year-old son to a tricycle race around the block, and beat him, and was a real asshole about it, and now my boy keeps asking me, “Daddy, daddy, what is human growth hormone?”

And Everyone's Wearing the Same Suit 

Workaholism is just escapism in a badly-fitted suit.

Headlines from Surrealist Newspaper 

Little girl, burrowing to China, arrives.

Woman raises house full of spiders.

Astronauts in space so long, Earth forgets about them.

Volcano appears overnight in small town.

Sad woman's face disfigured into permanent smile; everyone assumes she's happy.

Housewife buries herself alive for peace and quiet.

Lifeguard saves child from nightmare about drowning.

Man, looking for lost love, finds it in his attic.

Philanderer's secret 

“When I say 'I love you,' I'm not lying to any of you.

Aesop Wasn't a Drinker 

Slowest and steadiest avoids the race. You can find him at the bar.

 

Sleeper, Awake 

Last night, I dreamt that I lay in bed, disappointed that I wasn't asleep, dreaming.

Greek Tragicomedy 

Aeschylus was offered the screenwriting job because producers misread Agamemnon as Armageddon, and his fear of their inevitable discovery kept him from doing his best work during the rewrite of the Transformers sequel.

Midlife Crisis 

“Midlife crisis for a writer is when he's tempted to give up his style for a younger, faster, prettier style, because the one with whom he's built a lifelong relationship now makes him feel tired, unaccomplished, and old.

January 1 

 January 1 is a heckuva day for spring cleaning.

Bride of Frankenstein 

During the sex scandal, the Bride of Frankenstein stood by her man, silent and strong.

---

How to Make an American Omelette 

“ You can't make an American omelette without breaking some Middle Eastern eggs.

Mysterious Ways 

“ God never burns a bridge without smashing a window.

I Owe My Soul 

“ Another day, another dolor.

Failed Travel Book Titles 

Let's Go Troposphere.
The Rough Guide to the Côte d'azur.
Frommer's Mogadishu.
Lonely Planet Costco.
Alabama for Dummies.
Rick Steve's Your Mom Through the Back Door.
Time Out Bikini Atoll.
The Jersey Turnpike on $5 a Day.

We which are alive 

“Then we which are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds, to meet the Lord.

My guess is, the Rapture really will come on Saturday. We'll all of us be deemed unworthy, and life on Earth will go on as if nothing had happened.

Zeno's Other Paradox 

The more that the philosopher Zeno pondered how to get close to people, the farther he moved from his target.

Wispy, Slightly Musty 

Nostalgia is just pessimism in a vintage dress.

What I Wish They'd Said at My Graduation 

“Stop being scared that you won't live up to your potential. You won't. So being scared is no help.

And never requires washing 

Self-loathing is just vanity dressed in a black hoodie.

Caption from an As-Yet Undrawn Cartoon 

“ You think that's bad? I keep making Devil's Tower out of my morning coffee.

Happy Valentine's Day 

The woman at the store said, "Did you wish your mother a happy Valentine's Day?" I said, "Is that something I should do on Valentine's Day?" She said, "Don't you love your mother?" I said, "Yeah I love my mother."

The Definition of "Like" 

If you know any actors or solo musicians, then maybe you've seen this terrible bit of syntax, one of Facebook's many contributions to über-narcisism:

“[Your friend's name] likes [your friend's name], and suggests that you like them too.

You receive this notification when your friend decides it's time to create a "fan page" for themselves on Facebook, and invites you to show your support by "liking" them—when in reality this practice makes you like them slightly less.

Packing 

“ Packing is one percent perspiration and ninety-nine percent procrastination.

My Own Private Inferno 

In the 20th century, we each got 15 minutes of fame. In the 21st century, we each get our own private level of Hell, filled only with the things that we like.

But what a dress! 

Love is just PTSD in a pretty dress.

If Romeo Had Stayed with Rosaline 

“Get me a beer, woman!

Wrong Way  

Theory: driving makes people selfish.

Corollary: driving makes people libertarians.

Blister becomes callus 

“We call it breaking in shoes, but more often we mean breaking in feet.

The bucket and the well 

“The well doesn't run dry. Only the bucket runs dry.

Voir Dire 

After Kant, can anyone ever swear to tell "the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth"? Can anything be "beyond reasonable doubt"?

Our oaths and standards of proof really need to be brought into the epistemic 21st century....

If wishes were fishes 

If wishes were fishes,
the sea would be tea,
and hope like a rope
of pearls around me.

Lemons, pt. 2 

“When God gives you papercuts, don't make lemonade.

Technologies for the Down and Out 

Duct tape
Scratch-off
Bedbug repellent
Plunger
Pennies
Anti-itch cream
Wet vac
Tax lawyer
Pay phone
Cover-up
Glue solvent
Airplane toilet
Gravestone

Koan of the Jigsaw Puzzle 

The Zen master scatters the pieces of the jigsaw puzzle across the table. He does not attempt to assemble the puzzle. Instead, he picks up a single piece at random and contemplates it for the rest of the day.

The solution to the puzzle is the puzzle. The puzzle is the solution to the puzzle.

Sports Talk 

The guys at the bar talking so passionately about sports don't realize that if you swap out the nouns in their sentences, they're having the same conversation that the toddlers outside are having about their sticker collections.

The Manuscript 

“Working on a poetry manuscript is like masturbating to a picture of a woman you've loved for years.

The Second Step 

“The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. The second step is dry-heaves and shakes. No wonder we linger on step one.

When in the course of human events 

“It's important not to confuse 'Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness' with 'An opportunity to shop.'

Secret of the Universe, pt. 2 

There is no secret of the universe.

By which I mean, the universe is a miraculous but fairly transparent place; and if you spend your time seeking the meaning that you can't see, then you risk missing the meaning that is right in front of your eyes.

The Secret of the Universe 

There is no secret of the universe.

Denim Man 

Denim Man didn't fare nearly as well against The Crimson Dynamo as Iron Man did.

Lemons 

“When God gives you lemons, throw them as hard as you can at His head.

The Right Punchline 

(Try again?)

Epiphany of the Shopping Mall, pt. 1 

All people are aesthetes. In the absence of art (i.e., at the shopping mall), people flock to the only art that is left: branding and advertising.

Human nature compels us to seek out the highest forms expression, and the highest forms available to us are offered up by Adidas, Sony, and Coca Cola.

We consume with the appetite of the half-starved.

Houseplants (pt. 2) 

The plants don't seem to want to grow. I water them and give them sunlight, and every now and then, I re-pot them in fresh soil, but in the way that one changes the tablecloth and the place mats—for seasonal variety, and out of habit rather than out of need.

The plants, for their part, do not wither, and they do not complain. But they do not grow.

What is required to make a plant grow?

Like pets, do plants come to resemble their masters?

My Life 

I always want to write, and then I don't write because I'm hungry, and I eat instead, and then after I've eaten, I don't want to write because I'm full, so I sleep instead; and my life, then, is made up of mostly eating and sleeping and wanting to write and not writing.

Wanderlust 

Wears on the sole [sic].

Packing 

I'm packing for that trip I'm about to take. I want to be prepared. I put everything I can imagine needing into a suitcase: I bring extra socks and floss and shampoo, even though I know they'll have it where I'm going. I bring long pants and short pants and a few pair of shoes, and two books and three magazines, and then I sit on my suitcase while I try to zip it closed. It's bursting at the seams. And I realize that everything in it, every single item, is there to insulate me from experiencing anything new why I'm on my trip.

Life is a Fellini Film 

And vice versa.

Am I Invisible? 

Then why do people keep walking into me on the street?

New law of thermodynamics 

An object in motion tends to stay in motion ... unless it is an MTA subway.

.

In absence of my reflection 

In absence of my reflection,
I remember myself incorrectly.

News clip from a seaside town 

A local man, caught in a riptide, was carried out to sea.

An unidentified stranger swam to his rescue.

Both drowned.

Magazine Stand 

The lowest form of capitalism is selling writing about shopping.

Koan of the Colander 

I have a blue sponge in one hand and a bright yellow colander in the other, and hot water pours from the faucet. I'm trying to rinse the colander free of soap bubbles. I try and try, but I can't rinse the colander, because the colander is designed to let the water pour through. The soap bubbles persist.

Then I realize: life is like that.

I pause for a moment to contemplate this, but the water keeps pouring out of the faucet, so eventually I return to scrubbing.

Tipsy Topsy Turvy 

or, How to Describe 2008 in 3 words or Less.

Creature of Habit 

Maintaining a blog is like being a nun who makes regular appointments for Brazilian wax. Who is it for, really?

The Cleaning Lady 

His apartment was too large and his schedule too busy for him to have time to dust, or clean toilets, or scrub floors, so he got a referral from a co-worker, and hired a cleaning lady. "Look at all these nice things you have!" she exclaimed upon her arrival, and promptly threw them in the trash. "There. Everything is cleaner now," she said, and indeed it was.

How to Get Along With Others, pt. 1 

"Just because you can use 'erudite' in a sentence doesn't mean you should!"

Passive Aggressive 

My therapist suggests I might be passive-aggressive, so I cancel my next appointment though I don't tell him why...

Slow Leak from Parade Balloon 

On Thanksgiving (and most other days too), I'm aware and grateful that I am both lovable and loved—and that these things are, it turns out, no cure for the human condition...

Retroactive Consolation 

"Don't worry. Yesterday will be better."

Unexpressed Electoral Anger, circa 2004 

You elected a fool because, of the two men, he was the one with whom you could imagine having a beer. I'm not suggesting that you should pick someone thoughtful, wise, or qualified for the job—but why would you want to have beer with a fool?

P.S. He's a twelve-stepper. He doesn't drink.

Command Line Existential Crisis 

$ whatis whoami

Victoria's Other Secret 

Incontrovertible Proof of the Existence of God  

God exists and I can prove it.

My proof is simple, elegant and easy to verify. It shows God is benevolent, and has engineered our world with intelligent design.

Spaghetti squash. You cook it, run a fork through it, and it turns into pasta—but healthy!

(Thank God.)

Experiments in Magnetic Poetry (pt. 1) 

Having Cake Versus Eating It 

When does anyone ever, ever have cake without eating it too? I thought that's what having cake was...

Work 

n. nautical. to sail against the wind.

A co-worker asked me to lunch, and when I said "No thanks," she replied, "Why? Because there will be people there?"

Which made me like her even more than I already did.

But I still didn't eat lunch with her...

* * *

n. physics. force acting upon an object to cause displacement.

Someone at work just told me I'm "more blunt and less charming" than my usual
self today. When I told her to "Fuck off," three people turned around like there was about to be a fight.

Can't anyone take a joke?

* * *

n. fine arts. a creation, such as a song or a painting.

"Chris, what are you doodling?"

"Oh, it's nothing. It's ... a little duck."

"You mind paying attention to our meeting?"

Well, since you asked...

* * *

n. religion. a moral or righteous act or deed.

"The slavery of civil society is ostensibly the greatest freedom, because it appears to leave the individual perfectly independent. The individual considers as his own freedom the movement (no longer curbed or fettered by a common tie or by man) of his alienated life-elements, like property, industry, religion; in reality, this movement is the perfection of his slavery."

Note to Self: when you start quoting Marx in the office, it's probably time to call it a day...

A Convulsion 

     Asking a cigarette
From the woman
     I used to love

     "My last one.
That makes me a good
     Person."

     I took it
And still wonder if
     I should have not.