The Urban Sherpa Dictionary, by Christopher DeWan

(sexy dumpling...)

The Urban Sherpa keeps a collection of stories and curios filed under Mythic Proportions.

The Urban Sherpa Dictionary

Can't find what you need? The Urban Sherpa also has a glossary of Internet abbreviations.

agoraphobia.11n. Noun. An abnormal fear of open or public places that are out of range of free, reliable WiFi.

alt-country. "Lost my job, my house, my truck.

"Got new ones."

antimonious. Adjective. Given to complicating otherwise simple situations in order to make life more of a struggle, and therefore more interesting. Often results in absurd, mundane paradoxes, i.e., "too hungry to eat," "alone in a crowd," etc.

astigmatism of the heart. A defect of the spirit in which desires and passions do not meet at a focal point, but rather the image of them remains always blurred.

autoschadenfreude. Noun. A malicious satisfaction in the misfortunes of yourself.

Band Aid. noun. A cosmetic accessory usually worn on a visible limb. It is often confused for medical paraphernalia though it has no medicinal value: anything that can be fixed with a Band Aid wasn't broken to begin with.

beauty. Noun. The look of an enviable future.

caveatemptoraphobia. Noun. 1. When the fear of "buyer's remorse" paralyzes one into inaction. 2. The refusal to accept a perfectly good thing, because it might turn out to be bad.

(See also, Imelda Marcos Syndrome. )

chafe. French for "My inner thighs are too fat."

denim lesiure suit. Noun. Jeans worn simultaneously with a jean jacket.

denim leisure suit

dilettante. Noun. Any person who can spell "dilettante."

egg. Noun. A delivery device for cheese. See also: bread, french fries.

errand. Noun. An expedition involving the acquisition of some good, usually perceived as essential, when in fact completely unnecessary. Because errands involve a component of travel, they are often confused for a leisure activity. From the root, errant, aimless.

Hawaiian shirt print

Hawaiian shirt. Noun. A previously healthy shirt that has metastasized.

Heart-healthy headache. Noun. A red wine hangover.

hegemonic power shopping. Gerund. When well-off people (esp. white people) shop quickly, resulting in the rapid accumulation of goods from Banana Republic, J. Crew, Williams Sonoma and Pottery Barn.

Also, shopping for real estate.

horse. Noun. The most majestic enormous thing we're allowed to touch.

Imelda Marcos Syndrome. Noun. The pathological desire to acquire new things in lieu of old things, i.e., shoes, people, etc. In chronic cases, the definition of "old" begins to slip into psychosis: "worn once."

A few shoes

iRate. Adjective. Feeling irrepressible anger and loss when your iPod suddenly ceases to function. The feeling can be detected through a telltale facial expression, which is often mimicked (or possibly mocked) by the iPod itself.

iRate

iTangle. Noun. The accidental, complex knot that inevitably forms in the cable of iPod headphones. The knot forms itself without any action on the part of the iPod's owner, and is nearly impossible to unravel. See also, iRate.

law school. Noun. A pastime for privileged people who can't think of something better to do. See also, Business School.

libertarianism. Noun. The mistaken belief that pursuing one's own self-interest, while shirking larger social responsibilities, is still somehow related to liberty.

marriage. Noun. A Limited Liability Partnership (LLP) wherein some or all partners wish they were independent consultants.

Midwest. Noun. In Manhattan, the flyover blocks around Columbus (as in Ohio) Circle and Lincoln (as in Nebraska) Center. The people who frequent these places think rather highly of them; the rest of us don't think of them much at all.

pants allergies. Noun, plural. A preference for jeans, even in the work place and "grown up" world; an aversion to slacks. Ex: "I can't go to that client meeting! I have serious pants allergies!"

Preemptive eating. Phrasal verb. Consuming an extra meal immediately prior to a dinner party, brunch meeting, etc., in order to avoid the appearance of gluttony.

redisenfranchisement. Noun. A word that sounds like it was invented by George W. Bush, and to some degree, it actually was.

Socratic Methadone. Noun. The technique of using the Socratic Method upon one's self, to call one's every belief and value into question. Though use of the technique initially leads to feelings of euphoria, the practice is habit-forming, and may lead to headaches, nausea, hypoventilation, irritability, insomnia, mood swings, decreased bowel motility, and, in extreme cases, death.